RECAP

OK, So it's been a little while. I got some comments like this:

Hey, you haven't published in twelve days. WTF? It's your job to entertain me, goddamn it. So get cracking.

Yeah, yeah. I've been busy. I had a little bet with myself... who could this be? A friend? A sister? My wife? Sadly enough, all of the people in my life are comfortable enough speaking to me with this degree of disdain that I can't distinguish when someone sends me a remoark like this. That may seem pathetic, but it's a two way street. All of my interpersonal relationships are mutually abusive.

So what have I been doing, you ask, that I cannot spare a few moments to write? Well, apart for recovering from the chaos involved in the camping trip from Hell, I've been trying to buy a house. I recently got in trouble with the apartment complex I rent from, because my lease had expired earlier than I thought it was supposed to, and my rent went up while I was still paying the old rate. So now I'm looking for a house. We found a really sweet deal the other day that we were about to make an offer for when some other agent came along and made a contract. That road bump aside, I will one day again hold a taco party.

What else have I been doing? Watching a lot of TV. Comedy Central's started airing the frist season of Scrubs and I must've been asleep for the last 5 years, because I've been missing out on the funniest shit ever. Along the same lines, my wife and I have found House, so we're going back and forth between the first season that comes in on Netflix and the stuff they're airing now. Finally, one of my sister's sent me the series Firefly on DVD, and now I've found something else I should've been watching a few years ago. This trifecta of TV nose candy has kept me busy enough in the evening's so that I don't want to write anything more.

But tonight, I'm catching up, and recommitting to writing. Another sister of mine had asked me for my birthday wishlist, and I have complied. If you'll look to the right, a friend of mine has exposed a sweet little script for me that allows me to display a few items from my Amazon wishlist, by getting the feed they expose and making a template from the results. Feel free to buy me something.

Another update - I plan to move all of the political commentary to a new blog - Rabbertics. I've gotten some mixed responses to my left leaning rantings. Some appreciate the commentary, some choose to engage me in debate, and some would rather I did not preach. Politics, I think, is like religion. There is no argument that going to change anyone's mind unless they're already sitting the fence and looking for direction. The only thing that will change the mind of someone who's already picked their position are the events that shape their experience. It was the same case for me - no pundit managed to change my mind about the GOP. I was certainly willing to stand behind the President until the decision to invade Iraq came, when I hesitated. While I beleived it to be a mistake, I still thought good could come of it if it were done right. When the Abu Ghraib scandal broke, I broke my ties and burned my bridges. After that, I started watching what the pundits said, but only to confirm the position I had already chosen.

Still, they keep doing shit that pisses me off, and I can't keep quiet about it. So I'll take the forum somewhere else, and preach to the choir. Here, I'll bitch about my life and my wife and create serial killer fan fiction, and save bitching about the President for Rabbertics - soon to be.

So, let me end this with a good old-fashioned rant. You know what I would like to see? A keyboard made for big boys. I continually make typos because I'm typing on this instrument that's obviously designed to accomodate fine feminine fingers, and not my big fat ones. They make men's clothing and accessories bigger than women's - how about men's keyboards? All you need to do is make the keys 25 to 33% larger, and I promise you in no time, my typing rate will double. Yeah, it's kind of a boring rant.

I can't be funny all the time. So get bent.

IT'S HERE!

YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KNOW MY BIRTHDAY AND DESPAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!




You don't count.

I do.

Your opinions don't mean anything.

It's my day.

(sung to the tune of The Wind Beneath My Wings)

Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck all of you,
the ants beneath my feet.

Give me your worship!
Give me your praise!!!

Ahh, sweet, sweet external validation. If I could freebase it, I would.

Birthday Fever!

The day of my birth is rapidly approaching... only a few more hours to go. Can you feel the excitement?

I have one friend who has a birthday a day before mine, and one who has one a day after, making it actually a birthday trifecta. The fact that their birthdays revolve around my own makes mine feel all the more important.

Some people think that for a 29 year old to expect gifts on his birthday is ludicrous. I think that's crap. I deserve a present for just being me.

My Birthday

My birthday is coming up this Friday; I'll be turning 29, which feels like it should be ominous, but really isn't. I guess the anxiety will start to hit a year from now when I realize that I'll be turning 30. Then I might have to make some life changes.

Last year, I had a little celebration for my birthday. I sent out a notice to my family and a few of my friends that had been inspired by something my mother had done. One day, we were at my sister's house discussing plans for the day. It was still breakfast time, and my mother had no milk for her cereal, so she said, to the best of my memory:

"You may pick me up a gallon of milk from the grocery store"

as if it were a great honor that she was bestowing on me. I was so amused by this that I responded excitedly:

"May I?!?!"

And we all had a good laugh at my mother's expense. The phrase still stuck with me, and inspired this invitation to last year's birthday party, an email titled "A celebration for the ages!":

First there was nothing...

then there was James!

Bear witness to the man behind the legend as he celebrates the culmination of the 28th year of his gracious presence on the Earth. You would be honored to attend his birthday celebration at Kanki restaurant in Durham at 8:00 pm on Thursday, September 15, 2005 (http://www.kanki.com/). Enrich your own dull lives with tales of his heroic exploits over the years. Feel like a part of history as the story of his many triumphs unfolds before you. Allow him to touch your heart and free your mind as he has done for countless millions before you. While the offering of gifts is by no means mandatory, James understands that a tangible token of one's gratitude can suffice when even the words of the great poets fail to convey the heartfelt joy and ephoria that James has shone upon your soul like the piercing rays of the morning sun. Should words fail you, James can forward you a list of trinkets that amuse him.

P.S. Be prepared to pay for your own meal, as The Chosen does not deign to pay for the meals of The Unwashed, especially so many Unwashed (While God has gifted upon James a great many gifts, unfortunately he has not blessed James with great wealth, lest he become immodest).

This year, I don't know what I'm doing, but I know what I want to do. I want to find a party store where I can pick up a cape and scepter and crown, because I play to make sure everybody knows that I'm King for the day. Of all of the holiday's, I like birthdays the best, because they're a time for celebration and presents, but really nobody else gets to share in the glory. Everyone else is insignificant and their opinions don't count. This is true on every day, but on my birthday, people have to face facts. Do you know that you cease to exist when I'm not conceiving of you? It's sad to hear, but it's true.

When it rains...

... it not only pours, but I can hear a disembodied voice telling the neighbors to start collecting sets of male and female animals.

This is me at my wedding. I'm screaming because my wife is a half an hour later because she decided to go shoe shopping on that morning of all mornings.

But that's not what this is about.

Have you ever had something bad happen to you, and you just hang around waiting for the other shoe to drop? Except, not only does the other shoe drop, but your socks fall off as well. Then your pants fall down around your ankles, and lo, your boxers follow. Then you try to move around, but you have to take baby steps because your legs are bound by your pants, but you fall any way, face forward, and bang your head against the floor. Now you're unconcious, sprawled out on the floor, with your bare ass sticking straight up into the air.

Did I forget to mention that you're in prison?

Anyway, that was this weekend for me. What a nightmare. I started off by going to mountains to go camping for the weekend. I plan to go fishing with my wife. There's a four and a half hour drive up there, and already my blood is up because I'm leaving after work, and by the time I get there after a long drive, it's dark, and because it's the nature of all these woodsy campsites to have nice, cozy, unlit wooden signs, I'm wandering in the darkness forever.

But I get set up anyway and go to bed. Now, I've been camping before, but back in those days I used to sleep on a bunk bed, and the mattress was like fiberboard, so I had no idea what it was like to miss a good night's sleep on a decent mattress. But I felt the effects that morning as any sort of bending procedure quickly becomes a Pavlovian experiment in pain.

My wife and I begin to go fishing, when we realize that the river we're fishing in is about a foot deep, and while suitable for fly fishing if that's your thing -it's not our thing. That doesn't stop us from trying, and in the process, my wife drops part of her reel into the river. I go to fish it out for her, getting my shoes moderately wet in the process, and throw it up to her. She misses the catch and it rolls down the hill into the deeper part of the river, where I have to circumnavigate some sort of beaver dam, thoroughly soaking my shoes in the process. She insists my shoes are ruined and we go get some new ones. We hang out at the campsite the rest of the day. I wanted to read one of my books, but we had forgotten to pack them.

The rest of the trip pretty much goes smoothly, with the notable exception that as we are packing to leave, she finds one of the books I wanted to read. Damn. She wants to add a quart of oil to our tank, and asks of me and my freinds if someone strong can help her get the oil cap off of the engine. I manage to prove that I'm totally weaksauce and can't get the damn thing off when she reiterates that she meant someone strong. My freind Eric gets it off but I am convinced I loosened it for him. She also wants to stop at the state fair that we passed on the way, so after I have an argument I know I'm not going to win about getting back early so that we're not coming in late at night, we go to the fair. This is always a time of great stress for me, because I'm not only mildly phobic of crowds, but I am easily distressed (enraged, infuriated) by fair traffic and just what it takes to get a car into and out of a fair alive. We pass several happy hours at the fair, where I avoid riding all of the stomach churning rides that she wants to go on, because I know the last thing I need is to be nauseous for a 4 hour car trip.

Still, I have eaten one of those jumbo turkey legs with some Texas Pete on it, so it's not too far after we take off that a case of mudbutt starts to set in. We make a stop some 20 minutes into the trip, where I go to the bathroom and buy some chewable Rolaids, and it looks like I'm all set for the rest of the day, if I can just manage this car drive while my back is killing me (I ask my wife earlier, "Are you going to help me drive back?". She replies, "Did I drive for any part of the way up?". I responded, "No.". "Then you have your answer.").

This ends the amusing, whoa is me, funny-if-you-look-back-on-it portion of the trip. About 30 minutes after we pass Asheville begins the Nightmare Proper.

I hear a load rumbling on the road, the tell-tale sign of a flat tire. The motorists we are trying to pass gestures wildly and confirms, yes, we have a flat tire. We pull over, just before an exit. From the mile marker I can tell we are 200 miles from home. The front passenger tire has gone flat. Didn't we just buy new tires recently. Yes, we did. That was one tire of a set of two that we bought from Walmart one year and one month ago. Damn. We have a spare tire, but sadly, we left our jack in the other car. When then one got a flat. Thankfully, I have AAA. My wife's cell phone still has a charge, so we call them up and ask them for a tow. They suggest that they can come out and change the flat, which will work just as well, except that we are going to need to get a new tire anyway, because we can't ride home 200 miles on a spare, let alone avoiding exceeding 50 miles per hour on an interstate where the posted speed limit is 70 and most motorists are going close to 80.

The AAA guy shows up. While he's changing the tire, he informs us of two things. One, that the closest Walmart is likely in Hickory, 60 miles ahead of us, or in Asheville, 30 miles behind us. We could make it on a spare but we'd have to take it slow and a spare won't take us that far. The other thing is that we seem to be leaking some kind of fluid, probably radiator fluid, as evidenced by a puddle around the tire. We pop the hood, and find out that the oil cap is missing, and we've been losing engine oil.

Now I'm not laying blame here, but I seem to recall that the oil cap was there that morning when my wife emasculated me for not being able to unscrew it. She swears to me that she put it on, but it may not have been tight enough.

Now I really need a tow. The tow truck driver doesn't seem particularly happy about it, but we're covered and AAA compensates him for the tow, so we decide to take the car back to Asheville to go get a new tire for it. The new plan has us rolling home somewhere about 11:00 to midnight or so, but it can't be helped. However, after we are towed to Asheville, one thing becomes very clear. There is no tire place that's actuially open that we can use to get new tires. We're going to need to spend the night in Asheville and work on it in the morning.

The tow truck drivers drops us off at the Walmart. We can still drive, as long as we're careful to drive real slow (<50>

I also don't know how to get to a hotel, or to an auto parts store to get an oil cap. I ask the locals for directions, but they all see, to be in reference to some landmarks or roads that I don't know, and I'm not doing a very good job of conveying that I've practically been dropped into Asheville and I don't have any bearings. Thankfully, my wife remembers enough of the area from the trip in to guide us to a Days Inn, where we check in for a room for the night. At this point, a headache that has been brewing for most of the day is hitting me full force, to the point that I'm actually sick to my stomach and have to vomit. I'm not sure what brought it about, maybe the fair food, but if I were to wager a guess I'd have to say... oh, stress.

My wife orders a pizza for dinner, but I can only manage about half a slice, and I go to sleep, weak, nauseous, and drained with a headache. The next morning, my wife makes some calls and finds an AutoZone, and gets directions from the hotel staff on how to get there. It involves getting on a freeway, and driving real slow while other angry motorists pass us by, but that can't be helped, and we make our way to AutoZone, where we finally get our prized oil cap, and seal that fucker on tight. Then, we wander around Asheville for a while, trying to find the Walmart again, check in, and get our tires repaired. I remember that I'm supposed to be on an important conference call at work that morning, and after a fruitless effort in getting the cell phone charger to work, I have to make a credit card purchase for a set of pencils so I can get cash back so that I can use the pay phone to call someone at work to get them to cover my call. After wasting the first set of change calling someone's cell phone that went straight to voicemail, I get a hold of a coworker about 5 minutes before the call so he can get that straightened out.

The tire is done, and thankfully, Walmart gives us a discount on the tire, prorating the cost of the tire against the considerable amount of tread left so that we get the tire for a fraction of the price. In our excitement to get going again, we neglected to take any further preventative measure, say, buying a jack or checking out the condition of the other tires.

So I drive the rest of the way home. My wife sleeps most of the way, but the trip isn't bad. The sun is shining, and I'm just listening to my music as the hours while by. Normally, I'd be working now, so this is a change of pace and a time to reflect on my life. At the rate I'm at, I'll be able to go back into work in the early afternoon. I feel like a dick for having to take advantage of the good graces my boss has shown me in working with my missed work hours, but I can make up the hours through the rest of the week, and all will be well before long.

If you remember the tale of Odysseus, you'll know that even after he returned home from his fucked up voyage around the Mediterranean on his return home from the Trojan War, he still had shit to deal with at home when he had to battle it out with his wife's suitors. Or so I remember.

So about 3 miles from the exit that I'm supposed to take, I hear a farmiliar rumbling sound. Do you recall that the tire that went flat was one of a set of two that I bought from Walmart a year and a month ago? Can you guess which fucking tire went flat now? Well, if you can't you must be one of those sunny, happy-go-lucky assholes for whom everything goes right. You've never even heard of Murphy's laws because they don't apply to you. Well you can can choke on a fucking beam of sunshine and die, you asshole, because you exist to balance out the spectrum for me.

Now we have to pull over kind of close to an exit, but it's a big ramp. This is important because if you recall, both cell phones are dead, so I've got to get out and walk to the nearest gas station to call AAA. Thankfully this time I've got some cash with which to get some quarters, so when I walk out to the pay phone, sweating like a pig, I call AAA, and then I call one of my friends from work to come pick me up and take me back to the car. As soon as I hang up, I wonder why I did it, when I could probably just as quickly have walked back. I think some part of me wanted a witness. I didn't think anybody would believe me that I've got another damn flat. I know I wouldn't believe me. I would think I was trying to get out of work.

I have to guide my friend the long way around, since we got stopped before the exit, and he needs to come at it from the other side. When we pull up, there's already someone else helping us changing the tire (IMAP - different from the mail protocol I know, they're the Incident Management Assistance Patrol. These guys rock). I call AAA from my friend's phone to cancel the call, and after we get the spare back on, it's back to Walmart, but this time the local one. This time, they argue that the alignment's bad, and they won't cover as much of the tire, but I don't want to argue.

My wife drops me off at work with about 30 minutes left in the work day, and I give her my card so she can go get the car aligned. Another $70 later, she relays something from the mechanics to server as a fitting footnote to this sad, fucked-up affair.

I need new rear tires.

Poker

I love poker. I usually come out ahead, but I have my streaks of really bad luck. I also take a bad beat pretty hard. Still, I like playing. Even if I have noone to play with, I'll lay down some cards and dictate who I am, and think of how I'd bet. I'll even sometimes play a verbal game of poker with my wife. That's the best:

Me: Let's play a virtual game of Texas Hold'em.

Wife - in the other room, not paying attention: OK.

Me - not actually touching a deck of cards: OK, the cards are dealt. You have an Ace of Hearts and an Ace of Spades. Do you bet?

Wife: Sure.

Me: OK, I call. The flop comes down. An Ace of Clubs, a King of Spades, and a 2 of Diamonds.

Wife: What do I have now?

Me: Three Aces. Do you bet?

Wife: Sure.

Me: OK. I call. The turn comes. It's a 2 of Clubs. You have a Full House. Do you bet?

Wife: Sure.

Me: I call. And the river comes. It's a 2 of Hearts. Do you bet? Are you all in?

Wife: Sure.

Me: OK. I have a 7 of Clubs and a 2 of Spades. I have Four of a Kind. I win.

Ignorance is bliss

Or so they say.

"They" obviously weren't women, because women want to know every damn thing. I watched House today at lunch, and it featured an episode a patient that almost got himself killed because he couldn't admit around his wife that he was bipolar. When it finally did come out, she stormed out of the room because "he didn't trust her". I was thinking to myself, is it really the end of the world? Is she going to walk out on her husband because he was ashamed to admit that we was bipolar? Apparently, the answer was yes.

Which caused me to reflect on the fact that it's not just the big things that women want to know everything about, like what you did when you were younger or how many people you've slept with, but little, stupid things, like the entire damn conversations you've had about things you don't care about. Then what did he say? And what did you say after that? Why didn't she want to come? He said he was depressed, why was he depressed? What do you mean you didn't ask him? Blah blah blah blah blah......

Now I realize I'm not being completely fair. There are some men out there who can't stand not to know everything, but there are fewer of them, and they don't take it as far. When I have a conversation with someone, I get a general gist of what's going on, but there's some goal I'm satisfying too. Everything beyond that, I don't care to know. Say for instance, I'm having a party, and someone who previously said they're coming can't make it:

Caller: Hey James, look, we've got bad news. X and I aren't going to be able to make it .

Me: Really? I'm sorry to hear that.

Caller: Yeah, it's just that X's mom is sick and yada yada yada

At this point I'm tuning out. I hear words, but the goal of this conversation is acheived. You're not coming. Make less tacos. I wait for the pause that indicates my turn.

Me: Geez. That sucks. Well, thanks for calling. Maybe next time.

Then my wife asks me who called. Ladies, pay attention. When you get brief, one or two word answers, we are telling you we do not want to recall the whole thing verbatim.

Wife: Who was that?

Me: X and Y. They're not coming.

Wife: Why not?

Me: Umm... Y's mom is sick.

Wife: Oh my God. With what?

Me: I don't know. I didn't ask.

Wife: What do you mean you didn't ask?

Me: I don't know. It didn't seem relevant.

Wife: Aren't they your friends?

Me: Yeah, but that's their business. What do you want from me?

It's like pulling out your own teeth.

Trivia Question

Who made the following statement?

"Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."

A) George W. Bush
B) Dick Cheney
C) Karl Rove
D) Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Göring during the Nuremberg Trials

What are you up to, Stephen Colbert?

Let me begin by saying that I'm a huge fan of comedian and his show, The Colbert Report. It's a show on Comedy Central where he satirizes popular right-wing pundits, like Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Joe Scarborough. It's hilarious, and the satire disguises the fact that there is some really biting commentary on the Bush administration and the major media.

However, every now and then he seems to foray into some sort of attack on, for lack of a better word, web institutions. He's gone after Wikipedia (through satirical praise of it's practice of consensus editing), encouraged his users to rig a Hungarian online election (to vote for a celebrity to name a bridge after) and a similar online vote for a high school mascot. The message seems to be that online collaborative efforts are flawed, and subject to sabotage. I don't get where he's going with this. Wikipedia and other recent web developments are a large part of why a growing number of voices critical of the administration are being heard. The rise in power of the blogosphere is due in a large part to the fact that your average blogger doesn't have some corporate sponsor to appease, and can really let out their point of view. The blogosphere even carried the story of his speech at the White House Correspondent's dinner after the major media by and large snubbed the story. I just don't see why he would bite the hand that feeds him...

Book Reviews

I've created a second blog for book reviews here. Appropriately enough, I've begun with Watership Down. I hope you'll read it.

Fantasy News Report

This is the transcript for a news broadcast that I thought up. Hopefully, it will read well. CAUTION: The following is an excellent example of morbid humor. If you just don't find dark humor funny at all, you'd better pass on this -

Reporter: This is Jane Johnson, reporting for channel 8 news in AnyTown. In breaking news, it appears that the serial killer known as the "Turn Signal Stalker" has struck again. For weeks now, the Turn Signal Stalker has preyed on the motorists in the area, slaughtering those inconsiderate enough not to use their car's turn signal to broadcast their intentions on the road. Victims have been run off the road and killed in a number of gruesome ways. In the first case, late last month, the turn signal was removed from the steering column and embedded in the victim's head. In a case earlier this month, a motorist speeding through interstate traffic, weaving in and out of different lanes without signaling to exasperated drivers where he was going, was nudged into a barrier and spun out into a ditch. Once there, the Turn Signal Stalker welded the doors and windows shut, then set the car ablaze with the victim still inside. Just last week, another victim who was caught not paying attention to incoming traffic was chased down by the killer. In a feat that still puzzles most electricians, the victim's cell phone was supercharged by being wired to his car battery. The phone's vibrate feature was activated, and the phone was then shoved up the victim's anus, past the colon. The killer then proceeded to call the victim repeadetly until he died of internal bleeding.

-Cut to video of a corpse slumped over a steering wheel. The corpse occasionally vibrates violently-

Jane: We go now to John Jackson, now at the scene.

-John stands at a stop sign facing a busy intersection. The road behind him has many cars passing by-

John: Thanks, Jane. Apparently the killer waited in hiding here, attempting to turn right. The victim was travelling on the busy road seen here, approaching the intersection from the left. The victim then turned in at the last moment, without using his turn signal. The killer, who must have missed his long-awaited opportunity to turn, was apparently enraged to the point of murder. As evidenced by these tire marks seen here, he made a quick U-turn and ran the victim off the road. I must warn you and the viewers, Jane. The footage you are about to see is shocking indeed.

-The camera follows John as he walks towards the victim's car. The victim's upper body has been shoved through the windshield, and he is sprawled out over the hood. Wires lead up from the cars headlights to the victims right ear, pushing into the skull. In place of his right eye, is the steadily blinking light from the car's right blinker.-

John: It's both gruesome and an engineering marvel. The Turn Signal Stalker is sending a message load and clear to motorists everywhere, Jane. And that message is this: "If you don't use your turn signal, I'm going to f-censored-ing kill you."

Jane: Thank you, John. Public reaction to the Turn Signal Killer has been mixed. While many are shocked by the killer's brutality, many more are saying "It's about time." Public use of turn signals has risen dramatically in the past few weeks, and many are saying it's a welcome change.
-Cut to citizen on the street-

Citizen: It's amazing. I'm able to go to work now in half the time that I used to. Now that I can count on predicting the actions of traffic around me, I can turn when I need to without worrying that some jackass is going to come running into me. I'm seeing now that even people backing out of parking spaces are using their turn signals. Why just this morning, I avoided a potentially dangerous situation by slowing down to allow someone who was obviously boxed in with limited visibility to pull out. I feel like the road is sane again. -looks into the camera- Thank you, Turn Signal Stalker.

-Cut to studio. Sharing the screen with Jane are several photos of smug, preppy-looking assholes.-

Jane: Reports have been coming out that the victims of these brutal killings are not being mourned by society. In many cases, friends and coworkers appear almost relieved to be rid of the victims.

-Cut to old woman in rocking chair-

Mother of victim #1 : Cecil wasn't the most obedient of children . He always had a chip on his shoulder that I knew was going to get him into trouble one of these days. Now, Biscuits, on the other hand, he's a good dog. I don't know what I'd ever do without him.

-Cut to young man with shaggy hair-

College roommate of victim #2: Oh, yeah. Bob. That dude was a dick. I couldn't keep any food in the room, or he'd eat it. I even put my name on the bag, and that dick would still snarf my Dorito's and pretend like he didn't know what was up.

-Cut to short Asian-American woman in office setting-

Coworker of victim #3: -Glares at camera- Ted? The only thing I know is this. After he died, the mysterious somebody who kept pissing all over the toilet seats in the bathroom suddenly stopped. Coincidence? I think not. How hard is it to aim for the bowl?

-Cut to young woman-

Girlfriend of victim #4: Do I miss him? Yeah, I guess. I mean, he wasn't Mr. Perfect, but he did have some thing going for him. -pauses, thinks hard- I mean, he couldn't satisfy me sexually, but ... -longer pause- ... well... -long pause, faces camera and shrugs-

-Cut to studio. A man in uniform is seated beside Jane. -

Jane: Hmm... no ringing endorsements for the victims. I have with me Sheriff Brown of the local police department. Sherrif, what steps do you plan on taking to catch this nefarious criminal?

Sheriff Brown: None, as far as I'm concerned. The man is a local hero. Crime is down, I mean way down. Road rage crimes have completely dropped off the map. Even crime that you wouldn't expect to go down, like gangs and drug use, is in decline. You'd be surprised at how much crime is committed as a result of incivility to our fellow man. People are nicer to each other, and as a result noone's fighting. Noone needs to get high anymore, because the overall quality of people's lives is improving. The drug market's totally dried up.

Jane: So you're not planning to find him?

Sheriff Brown: Oh, we will, alright. Someone's earned this "Citizen of the Year" award.

Jane: There you have it. I'm Jane Johnson, signing off.

Freckles

This post is mainly to get a picture up here, but I may as well make mention this guy. This is Freckles, one of my rabbits, and one of the inspirations for my namesake. He's a very energetic little bunny. I believe the breed is known as a Mini-Rex, and his fur is very soft, much like velvet.

The "Natural Order"

This is something that on the back of my mind that I've been meaning to discuss for some time.

Earlier this year, my wife informed me that our pet birds had recently birthed two new baby birds. Although I was slightly dismayed that there would be new pets to manage, I was more excited to see these new life forms and give them a good home. It wasn't too long after they were born, however, that differences between the two started to surface. One of them was larger and healthier than the other.

On the way to work one day, I went to check on the birds, and noticed that the smaller of the two had been kicked out of the nest, and was lying on the bottom of the cage, unnoticed by the others. A great sadness came over me. I knew what was going to happen regardless, but I still picked up the baby bird, and gently put him (or her - I never did know) back in the "nest" (which was a food dish filled with some cotton). I phoned my wife to tell her what I found, but nonetheless, by early afternoon, the bird had been kicked out again, and had died - naked, ugly, alone, unnamed and unloved on the cage floor. My wife buried the bird by our work. She had given it the name "Mousey", because of it's resemblance to a mouse. I thought that was fair enough, since it was sad to die without a name.

I won't say I was distraught, because I'd formed no real attachment to the bird. Nonetheless, I was filled with that overwhelming despairing sadness - that one that you get when you realize not only that are you going to die one day, you're lucky for being one of the few that gets to enjoy the life you do have. I realise that empathy is one of those traits that differs in intensity depending on the person, and I would say not everyone feels it for largely unintelligent (at least not sapient) animals, but it is not one of those things that you can control.

Which brings me to the rant. There are those who believe in a "natural order" to the world, and that it is perfect, and that human intervention is the cause for all suffering in the world. If only human beings were to be more like animals, we would have world peace and society would be perfect. These people are usually the same ones that have the bumper stickers on their car that explains everything away in saccharine little quips like "You can't hug your child with nuclear arms". I've got something to say to these people that's been brewing up for a while.

Mother Nature isn't perfect. In fact, she's a cold-hearted murderous bitch. She's worse than all of the serial killers, warlords, false prophets, and politicians of the world combined. Every day, human suffering worldwide is staggering, whether it's due to starvation, overpopulation, natural disaster, accidental, or human intervention. If you were to sit and dwell on everything that was happening worldwide, it would drive you mad. And that's just the human world - thankfully, because of our "interference", we've spared ourselves to a significant degree by some of the crueler forms of suffering (at least statistically speaking). In the animal kingdom, death most frequently comes in two forms: the slow death by starvation or dehydration, or the intensly painful death by predator - in many cases where the victim is eaten alive. The notion that evolution has brought about the "perfect" state of being is pathetically naive. Yes, evolution is an efficient process by which life develops and adapts to a hostile and changing environment, but only to one end: reproduction. Everything that has developed as a result of evolution has developed to serve only one of two ends:

1) Survival to the point of reproduction

2) Reproduction, preferrably producing a many offspring as possible to reach #1

That's it.

No quality of life gaurantees, happiness comes as a side effect if and only if it gets you to those two ends. The same nervous system that gives us the ability to react to danger from predators or to hunt prey is the same one that assures us that our final moments will be in most cases, agonizingly painful. There's no evolutionary incentive to a merciful death - because after dying, #1 and #2 aren't possible anymore. The same pangs that give you the drive to find food to survive torment you when there's none to be had. The same biological imperative to find a mate for reproduction or to bond with family or friends to ensure your survival leads to sadness and desolation when you lose the ones close to you, and are isolated.

This is not the perfect design. When the naturalists claim that human attempts at prolonging life, gene manipulation, or even efforts at immortality should not be tried, because it's not what nature intended, it makes me sick. Life, as we were given it, is cruel and arbitrary. As possessors of intellect and reasoning, it is not only our right, but our duty as beings capable of suffering to subjugate nature and wrest our destinies from its grasp. It got us this far, but we can take over from here.

I believe that one day death and suffering can be conquered. After all, what is suffering but impulses that are delivered to the brain designed to trigger a response? Sure, that response was necessary for our survival, but now that we possess reason, can we not control these impulses so that we can decide our reactions based on our intellect rather than our suffering? And death? Is it anything more than the deterioration of our genetic material after so much reproduction? Can't the effiency of the process be improved upon, our even our genetic material preserved for retrieval later? Isn't the key to immortality just a little improvement on the cell reproduction process that we already survive on? The concepts are out there, yes, but they're not beyond comprehension. At every turn, scientific advances are stopped by critics who say that the way things are is just fine. That intervention is going to cross Mother Nature, or God, and there will be some metaphysical backlash.

I don't care who it is. The job didn't get done right. Mother Nature exists to server only one end, and if it's God, then I'll take my chances. If God didn't want humans to work for the betterment of their species, He would have stopped us a long time ago. In case you were wondering, I was once a believer, but it eventually dawned on me that I didn't really believe there was a God - I just wanted so badly to believe that there was some being out that that would give justice to the world - something out there to do something about the fact that the innocent suffer, sometimes too unbearably for us to even concieve of it, that the wicked prosper, and to make sense of all the nameless madness out there - the wars that have been fought, the poeple we've loved that we'll never get back, and all the little unnamed birds that die alone.

But wishing and hoping won't make it happen - like the Green Day song, "wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first". And the naturalists' answer is just another way of dodging the sad reality of it; it's an even sadder lie, because it says that everything's hunky-dorey the way it is. I've realised that if we're going to do anything about the suffering in the world, we're going to have to do it ourselves. It's kind of depressing, since we're so far from making things really change, but that's the way it is.

My new slogan for Election 2006!!!

DON'T TAKE THIS SITTING DOWN! PUSH BACK!

Why the boldface? Why, it's actually an acronym. It stands for everything that's wrong with the current Republican run administration. It stands for:

Duke Cunningham
Oil
NSA Wire Taps
'
Tax Cuts for the Wealthy

Torture
Abramoff
Katrina
Enron

Terri Schiavo
Harriet Myers
Iraq
Social Security Privatization

Stem Cell Research
Inheritance Tax
Treatment of the Prisoners at Gitmo
Throwing out the Road Map to Peace in the Middle East
Immigration
Net Neutrality
Gay Marriage

Dubai Port Scandal
Outing Valerie Plame
WMD's
National Deficit
,

Patriot Act
Universal Health Care
Secret Prisons
Haliburton

Bye-Bye UN
Abu Ghraib
Campaign Finance Reform
Kyoto Protocol
!

Now, you may think to yourself, "31 letters! How am I supposed to remember what all of that stand for!". OK, I'll admit - it's a bit much to chew on. This administration has been so busy over the past 5 1/2 years, there's a lot of ground to cover. It's not often in history that the people are distracted from one scandal by another, only to be interrupted by another, up to the point that we've forgotten some of the things that made us mad in the first place. For now, just consider the fact that a 31 letter acronym is needed to keep track of everywhere this party went wrong. Let's just touch on each point breifly, shall we, and see how the tenants of our democracy were dismantled in the interest of protecting the status quo of the rebuplic:

Duke Cunningham

This prominent California congressman, pled guilty to accepting at least $2.4 million dollars in bribes from defense contractors. A good place to start.

Oil

Do you know that while the oil companies are posting records profits from gouging you at the pump, they're also receiving tax breaks and subsidies from the government thanks to our energy policies? But hey, when you've got freinds in high places, why play fair?

NSA Wiretapping

First it was only overseas calls, and then it was announced, that yes, they're tracking our domestic calls as well. It's warrantless and it's illegal. Not worried because you've got nothing to hide from Big Brother? Let them invade your lives until you've got a chip in your neck. You would wonder where it all went wrong, if such thoughts weren't banned for being revolutionary.

Tax Cuts for the Wealthy

Sure, the war is expensive. But Bush doesn't want his best freinds paying for it. Leave that to the help.

Torture

The President and Vice President are chomping at the bit to make torture not only legal but public policy. After Congress passed a bill banning torture, good ol' George made sure to add his signing statements to the bill indicating that he'll obey those rules when and if he feels like it. Not only does torture fly in the face of everything that makes us human - it puts our soldiers at risk. It says to our enemies: "Do what you will to our boys if you get a hold of them, because we sure as hell ain't gonna show any mercy to you animals".

Abramoff

Just how many Congressman were paid off by this Republican lobbyist with the money he bilked from Indian casinos? Funny - that investigation hasn't made much progress. They can't be expected to investigate themselves, can they?

Katrina

Was it racism, neglect, or incompetence? How about all three. This administration won in 2004 on the promise that it was the best to keep us safe. Unless you didn't vote for them - then you can go fuck yourself.

Enron

One on the major contributors to the Republican Party, Enron now stands as the symbol of corporate greed gone amuck. After bilking the company for all it was worth, it's leaders were sitting pretty while shareholders went bankrupt and employees lost their pension plans. Too bad Lay died in his cushy Aspen home before he even served a day in jail for it.

Terri Schiavo

The outspoken opponents of Big Government sure swooped in to cash in on a chance to get a little PR by exploiting the gut-wrenching conflict between Michael Schiavo and the parents of Terri Schiavo over what her wishes were when faced with life in a vegetative state with no hope of recovery. The public reaction was clear - this was a private matter where the government should have interfered.

Harriet Myers

It shows just how little Bush respects the judicial process in this nation when he proposed his personal attourney with no judicial experience to serve on the highest court in the land - a lifetime appointment, as well.

Iraq

I don't even know where to start. It was a colossal mistake to begin with, but it could've been done right if there had been any degree of planning. If we had real international support, made a plan for peace, and really did try to win the hearts and minds of the people instead of rushing to protect the oil fields first, we might have made a difference for the better in Iraq. Our soldiers, some of the most courageous men and women who've made the ultimate sacrifice for their nation, have been betrayed by the incompetence of this administration.

Social Security Privatization

Socail Security's going down the tubes, what are we going to do? Let's let the rich pull their money out so they don't loose their money! Brilliant!

Stem Cell Research

Unfertilized embryoes left over from in vitro fertilization experiments are sacred. Good luck with your cancer, by the way.

Inheritance Tax

Let's repeal the tax that only affects the upper echelon of society. Becuase it's high time single mothers paid their share.

Treatment of Prisoners at Gitmo

You're not prisoners of war. You're illegal combatants. That's one degree below dogshit. We'll investigate your guilt or innocence when we damn well feel like it. We have to do this in the interests of preserving democracy.

Throwing out the Road Map to Peace in the Middle East

At one point, it seemed like there might, just might, be a hope for peace. Well, that boat has sailed. Maybe we'll come back to it after Amrageddon.

Immigration

We need to protect our borders! How can our country be safe from terrorists when our borders are unprotected!? Let's build a wall. But only on the southern border, cause everyone knows terrorists only travel in a northern direction.

Net Neutrality

The internet is not a dump truck. And the telcos aren't rich enough. Watch what happens to unpopular opinions on the internet as soon as telecoms can determine what packets have priority and what gets lost along the way. I predict that all relevant political dialogue will be filed under the category "404 Not Found".

Gay Marriage

Marriage is a sacred institution that must be protected. On even years. It's the trump card the Republicans pulled to get that last push to the polls. And after they've gotten the conservative Christians to vote, they spend the next two years thanking their real sponsors - big corporations. But they'll be sure to mention moral issues the next time there's an election.

Dubai Port Scandal

It is absolutely imperative that we give control of our ports over to Dubai. We need more guys at the southern border.

Outing Valerie Plame

Whoops! Did we just give out your little secret and betray the identity of one of our CIA operatives? Guess your husband never should've opened his mouth about the war. People, don't believe for one single minute that it ended with Scooter Libby. He's just the only one that's going to have to answer for it.

WMD's

The entire justification of the Iraq war. A smokescreen.

National Deficit

For a breif shining moment, after years of hard work, we'd finally balanced the budget. There was even a surplus. So much for that. By the way, after your social security's gone, don't count on your grandkids taking care of you. They'll be pissed that you stuck them with the bill.

Patriot Act

I wonder what our founding fathers would think if they found out the act that reenacted all of the encroachments on liberty that they fought so hard against had been named after them. They'd kick our asses if they knew.

Universal Health Care

Health Care costs are out of control and millions of Americans are uninsured. The solution? Refuse to give insurance providers the right to negotiate prices with the pharmaceutical companies. They're better citizens than you anyway. They give us more money.

Secret Prisons

What the hell is going on there if Gitmo is the prison that you do see?

Haliburton

I thought this war was costing us a fortune. How is it that we're awarding no-bid contracts to Haliburton? How can it be anything other than government sponsored pillaging for the Vice President's old buddies? Who are we fighting this war for, really??!

Bye-Bye UN

So long. It was nice while it lasted, but we're striking out on our own. What's that? We've totally dismantled the credibility it took years to build? Not our problem anymore. By the way, could you give us a hand? This crisis has gotten totally out of hand.

Abu Ghraib

When the calls came for Rumsfeld's retirement, his complicit part in this human rights debacle explained to the rest of the world just how little our leaders though of them.

Campaign Finance Reform

Why should I reform? I got in office so I could make money for the next election! A little gerrymandering here and there, and I'm set for life.

Kyoto Protocol

Back before Bush told the UN he didn't give a care what they thought, he was giving them a taste of what was to come by telling the world it could combat global warming without us.



Surprisingly, there's still some that got left out. Can't let this list grow on forever.

Tips jars

This is a rant that's been a long time coming.

You know the little tip jars that they put out in some fast food joints or pizza parlors? The kind where you walk up to the counter, order your food, pick it up, and take it back to your seat to eat it. It bugs the crap out of me when I see these things.

The implication is that the work being performed is deserving of a tip in the same way that waiting a table in a full service or even a casual dining restuarant does. The same questions always go through my head. Why do you want a tip? For getting my pizza out of the oven? Why do you think you should get the same reward as the waiter or waitress who seats me, takes my order, brings my drinks out to me, makes sure they're full, and checks on me after I've gotten my food? I've waited tables before, and it sucks. It's hard work, and you have to have to bust your ass to get those tips. Not only that, but it is your sloe source of income. Sure, you draw an hourly wage that equates to half that of minimum wage, but the expectation is that you make a living off of your tips. So why should you get a tip when you already make a full hourly rate and you do a fraction of the work?!?!

So, you may ask, what do you care? Why don't you just not tip?

Of course, I will tip. It's not that I'm sympathetic or even charitable. It's that I'm completely vain. I don't what anyone thinking I'm a cheapskate. You may think that's a stupid attitude to take, but you know I'm not alone in this. A tip is not just a request for a reward for service. Not here, at least. It's an hidden little declaration of social status between you, the tipee, and whoever else may be watching. You're saying "I'm a generous kind of guy" or "I'm a cheapskate who can't afford it". Even if you don't care what the person serving you thinks about you, you want to be sure some teenager's not spitting in your food because they feel underappreciated. And I'll make damn sure that if I put money in the tip jar, they'd better see it.

But here's the note to all you restaurant owners out there. If I'm going to your restaturant, and I'm picking up my own damn food and taking it back to my seat, if I see a tip jar - I'll tip, but I'm not coming back. If I wanted the hassle of calculating a tip, I'd go down to a sit-down restaurant. I care here to get something cheap to eat, and the little tip jar is another hidden cost.

Lamont v. Lieberman

The big issue today is the Connecticut primary between Ted Lamont and Joe Lieberman.

For those of you not in the know, Joe Lierberman is a Democratic senator for Connecticut whose seat is up for election this November. He's being challenged for the Democratic party nomination by Ted Lamont (the real election comes later, but with liberal-leaning Connecticut, the winner of the Democratic primary is a shoe-in for the Senate seat). The election's happening today and the latest polls show Lamont in the lead.

So why is this a big deal?

Well, consider the fact that an incumbent (i.e. currently serving) senator is strongly favored to win an election (even in cases where the state generally favors the opposite political party, and this is even more extreme when it comes to the primaries - if Lieberman loses this primary, he will only be the fourth senator since *1980* to do so.

Why is he Lieberman trailing now when the odds say he should win? Because he's been the Republican's favorite Democrat. He's been the most prominent supporter of the Iraq war in the Democratic party, and has sided with (or rolled over for) the Republican-controlled administration on a number of key issues. In short, the accusation is that he's the go-to guy that the Republican's turn to, when they want to propose a controversion piece of legislation and appear bi-partisan.Take a look at Lamont's challenge to Lieberman here.

Personally, I'm hoping Lamont will win. I don't really have an issue with anyone crossing party lines - it's just that in this particular case, Lieberman crosses lines on issues that I strongly care about, like the war in Iraq and the warrantless NSA wiretapping. If he does, Lieberman's threatening to run as an independent, which could split the vote for the Democratic party and hand the vote to the Republican candidate (then he'd really be living up to his reputation).

This whole thing brings up two interesting questions?

1) Why is the incumbency reelection rate so high in this country? Shouldn't the incumbent be expected to defend his seat against challengers from both sides every year?

2) Is it wrong to cross party lines? If you're elected as a representative of a certain party, shouldn't you act in the interests of that party?

These are complex questions. I'll try to present my take on both.

Certainly the reelection rate for incumbents is too high in this country. It leads to congressman who are unaccountable to their constituents, increasingly out of touch, and in some cases, batshit insane (see Ted Stevens). The only legitimate reason that I can see to continue to vote for an incumbent even when opposed to their platform is that the people who are in Congress the longest tend to have the most power, and tend to bring home the most pork (again, see Ted Stevens. You can find him in the dictionary under "government corruption").

As for crossing party lines, that's a tough one. Certainly some of the party lines are drawn arbitrarily. How many people do you know who agree with everything that the Republican party stands for or eveything the Democratic party stands for? On the other hand, if you're elected representing one set of ideals, and uphold an entirely different set when in office, you're a hyppocrite. I would say that as long as you clearly state where your affiliations lie when you run, and run with the party that represents them best, then you're doing the right thing.

I think in this case, though, Lieberman is getting what's coming to him.

Making Intoductions

I'm beginning this blog because more than one friend of mine keeps telling me that I need to, so I've finally caved. More than that, I need some outlet to vent. But you don't know me yet. So let's begin with the introductions.

First, the name - the Rabbert Hole. Rabbert is a good place to start explaining who I am. It is, naturally, a combination of "Rabbit" and Scott Adams' hilarious comic strip "Dilbert". I am both an animal lover and a computer nerd. I don't believe Scott Adams has introduced a "Rabbert" into the Dilbert series, but if he has, I hope to God he doesn't sue me (I didn't know!). A quick breakdown of both parts:

Animal Lover

I do love all the little fuzzy creatures in the world, particularly rabbits. There's something there, in their timid little lives that I sympathize with or perhaps even identify with. It is terrifying to me to imagine a life which consists entirely of avoid or running from predators until the day you die, but there is something noble about that as well - to be the prey and to refuse to rise to the position of those that cause grief in your life (I realise this less a choice in the animal kingdom than it is just a fact of biology, but that doesn't change the kinship I feel). I very much like the rabbit society that Richard Adams descibed in his book Watership Down. In that novel, rabbits have an elaborate mythology to explain how things wound up the way they were. In their mythology, they were the most prolific of all animals and quickly grew out of control, eating all of the food in the world, and so they were cursed by the sun god to be hunted for all eternity by the predators of the world their arrongance. But, because the sun god felt pity for them, he made them swift and clever, so that though they would be hunted, they would never die. There's even a rabbit folk hero, El-Ahrairah (in the rabbit language, the Prince of a Thousand Enemies). Perhaps, I'll review that book in a seperate post. For now, you can just assume that I feel a kinship to rabbits. Also, I have two for pets.

Nerd Life

I'm a nerd, a long with everything that comes with that. There's a stereotype for nerds that's startingly accurate, and I'm certainly guilty of living up to the stereo type. I work at a software company, I have an obsession with video games, I'm terrible at sports, I love Japanese culture and animation, etc. I love sci-fi and fantasy novels, including Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series (there's a lot of really great Adams' out there). Eventually, I'll write some video game and book reviews as a guide to the finer aspects of nerd life, but you pretty much know what to expect.

My Character Flaw

I have a great flaw, that is in part the reason why I am making this blog, and that is that I get very, very, angry. I seem to be angrier than just about anybody I know, and I'm finding that I'm angry *all the time*. I'm angry at the state of the world, I'm angry at the government, I'm angry at the technology that I work with, and the people run into. I'm know I'm going to end up as a crotchety old man, shouting at kids to get off my damn lawn. I even find that in the absence of anything to get angry at, I start fantasizing at situations where I would be good and pissed off. On more than one occasion, I've been driving somewhere with my wife, when after some moments of silence, she'll ask me why I look so pissed off, and I'll have to confess that I was living out some fantasy confrontation in my head with some jackass who was talking on their cellphone and didn't signal their turn, so I lost my opportunity to get on the highway - all of 15 miles ago.

This quickly terrifies anyone who doesn't know me well, and sees me get angry for the first time. I raise my voice. I clench my teeth. I tighten my fists. Blood flushes to my face. I pull my hair. I curse the sun and the moon and all of the stars in the sky, and the unholy injustice of it all in every foul combination of the English language. I stutter with fury. I'm also not the little guy that I was (and still subconciously see myself as) in middle school, so the fact that I'm a big guy only adds to that.

The people that do know me well, however, love to get a rise out of me. That's because they know that as angry as I get, I can never turn my rage directly to another human being. For some sick and twisted convention of fate or Providence, my anger amuses my friends. I can't seem to convince them that no, it's not an act, and yes, at this moment I really do hate you with every fiber of my being, but still, it's there.

So hopefully, I can turn all of this bottled up bile and vitriol into something that will amuse not just my freinds, but perfect strangers as well. And maybe, a little venting every now and then will help me to get past the demons that haunt me.

Well, that's enough about that for now. I'll start bitching about specific things later, but for now I'm done.