Fantasy News Report

This is the transcript for a news broadcast that I thought up. Hopefully, it will read well. CAUTION: The following is an excellent example of morbid humor. If you just don't find dark humor funny at all, you'd better pass on this -

Reporter: This is Jane Johnson, reporting for channel 8 news in AnyTown. In breaking news, it appears that the serial killer known as the "Turn Signal Stalker" has struck again. For weeks now, the Turn Signal Stalker has preyed on the motorists in the area, slaughtering those inconsiderate enough not to use their car's turn signal to broadcast their intentions on the road. Victims have been run off the road and killed in a number of gruesome ways. In the first case, late last month, the turn signal was removed from the steering column and embedded in the victim's head. In a case earlier this month, a motorist speeding through interstate traffic, weaving in and out of different lanes without signaling to exasperated drivers where he was going, was nudged into a barrier and spun out into a ditch. Once there, the Turn Signal Stalker welded the doors and windows shut, then set the car ablaze with the victim still inside. Just last week, another victim who was caught not paying attention to incoming traffic was chased down by the killer. In a feat that still puzzles most electricians, the victim's cell phone was supercharged by being wired to his car battery. The phone's vibrate feature was activated, and the phone was then shoved up the victim's anus, past the colon. The killer then proceeded to call the victim repeadetly until he died of internal bleeding.

-Cut to video of a corpse slumped over a steering wheel. The corpse occasionally vibrates violently-

Jane: We go now to John Jackson, now at the scene.

-John stands at a stop sign facing a busy intersection. The road behind him has many cars passing by-

John: Thanks, Jane. Apparently the killer waited in hiding here, attempting to turn right. The victim was travelling on the busy road seen here, approaching the intersection from the left. The victim then turned in at the last moment, without using his turn signal. The killer, who must have missed his long-awaited opportunity to turn, was apparently enraged to the point of murder. As evidenced by these tire marks seen here, he made a quick U-turn and ran the victim off the road. I must warn you and the viewers, Jane. The footage you are about to see is shocking indeed.

-The camera follows John as he walks towards the victim's car. The victim's upper body has been shoved through the windshield, and he is sprawled out over the hood. Wires lead up from the cars headlights to the victims right ear, pushing into the skull. In place of his right eye, is the steadily blinking light from the car's right blinker.-

John: It's both gruesome and an engineering marvel. The Turn Signal Stalker is sending a message load and clear to motorists everywhere, Jane. And that message is this: "If you don't use your turn signal, I'm going to f-censored-ing kill you."

Jane: Thank you, John. Public reaction to the Turn Signal Killer has been mixed. While many are shocked by the killer's brutality, many more are saying "It's about time." Public use of turn signals has risen dramatically in the past few weeks, and many are saying it's a welcome change.
-Cut to citizen on the street-

Citizen: It's amazing. I'm able to go to work now in half the time that I used to. Now that I can count on predicting the actions of traffic around me, I can turn when I need to without worrying that some jackass is going to come running into me. I'm seeing now that even people backing out of parking spaces are using their turn signals. Why just this morning, I avoided a potentially dangerous situation by slowing down to allow someone who was obviously boxed in with limited visibility to pull out. I feel like the road is sane again. -looks into the camera- Thank you, Turn Signal Stalker.

-Cut to studio. Sharing the screen with Jane are several photos of smug, preppy-looking assholes.-

Jane: Reports have been coming out that the victims of these brutal killings are not being mourned by society. In many cases, friends and coworkers appear almost relieved to be rid of the victims.

-Cut to old woman in rocking chair-

Mother of victim #1 : Cecil wasn't the most obedient of children . He always had a chip on his shoulder that I knew was going to get him into trouble one of these days. Now, Biscuits, on the other hand, he's a good dog. I don't know what I'd ever do without him.

-Cut to young man with shaggy hair-

College roommate of victim #2: Oh, yeah. Bob. That dude was a dick. I couldn't keep any food in the room, or he'd eat it. I even put my name on the bag, and that dick would still snarf my Dorito's and pretend like he didn't know what was up.

-Cut to short Asian-American woman in office setting-

Coworker of victim #3: -Glares at camera- Ted? The only thing I know is this. After he died, the mysterious somebody who kept pissing all over the toilet seats in the bathroom suddenly stopped. Coincidence? I think not. How hard is it to aim for the bowl?

-Cut to young woman-

Girlfriend of victim #4: Do I miss him? Yeah, I guess. I mean, he wasn't Mr. Perfect, but he did have some thing going for him. -pauses, thinks hard- I mean, he couldn't satisfy me sexually, but ... -longer pause- ... well... -long pause, faces camera and shrugs-

-Cut to studio. A man in uniform is seated beside Jane. -

Jane: Hmm... no ringing endorsements for the victims. I have with me Sheriff Brown of the local police department. Sherrif, what steps do you plan on taking to catch this nefarious criminal?

Sheriff Brown: None, as far as I'm concerned. The man is a local hero. Crime is down, I mean way down. Road rage crimes have completely dropped off the map. Even crime that you wouldn't expect to go down, like gangs and drug use, is in decline. You'd be surprised at how much crime is committed as a result of incivility to our fellow man. People are nicer to each other, and as a result noone's fighting. Noone needs to get high anymore, because the overall quality of people's lives is improving. The drug market's totally dried up.

Jane: So you're not planning to find him?

Sheriff Brown: Oh, we will, alright. Someone's earned this "Citizen of the Year" award.

Jane: There you have it. I'm Jane Johnson, signing off.