So, beginning to write again, the reactions that I got were a little shocked. These are close friends that I'm getting this from, so I can imagine that anyone who does not know me as intimately might be somewhat terrified.
Perhaps I am a little unbalanced. I need to think more about it. If I do ever lose it completely, there will be a paper trail right here that might say where I went wrong. I made a promise a long time ago to be honest with myself - that is, I never wanted to be one of those people that's fooling themselves. I may have flaws, but at least I'm aware of them.
Looking into the abyss of my soul, however, to confront whatever dark demons lie within, may have taken its toll. I may be too comfortable with my own faults. I always thought that to be really good, you couldn't be totally ignorant of evil - that just made you innocent, and choosing to do good wasn't really a choice. A friend of mine pointed out a Hindu proverb - or just a custom, I'm not sure - which stated the opposite. You should keep your thoughts pure, and it will keep your deeds pure. I always thought that you could indulge in evil thoughts as long as your actions are good, but I wonder if it's wearing on me. It is certainly more of a conscious behavior than I initially thought.
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