When the Democrats swept into power on a wave of public disgust with the corruption in Congress in November, I was excited to see that there would be real change to the way politics are conducted. My friend Reno was skeptical, and said that the Democrats would resort to the same tricks that the Republicans pulled, that nothing would really change.
"No," I told him, "they're not idiots. They're going to see the exit polls and conclude that corruption was the number one issue that brought voters out to the polls. They have to know that they're in there to clean up the system. Look at the proposals in the 100-hours plan. Things are going to change".
Well, it turns out he was right. Their idea of an end to corruption is to take an emergency spending bill for the war in Iraq, and load it to the fucking hilt with unrelated pork projects in order to bribe enough votes to include a time table to withdraw from the war in '08.
I have a message for the Democrats in Congress:
Listen to me carefully you stupid, stupid, fucking assholes. You did not win the election because anybody believes that you have a vision for what should be done with this country. You did not win this election because America believes in your tax policies, your views on gay marriage, your universal health care, or your plan to get us out of Iraq. The one and only fucking reason you won is that the other party was so wholly fucking corrupt and power-mad and bent on entrenching themselves in power for all of eternity that any other alternative was acceptable. If you fucking incompetent dick-licking ninnies can't get that through your thick fucking heads you don't deserve to be in power for anything beyond the next 2 years, because that's exactly how long you're going to have it when we kick your ass out in '08. You're there to clean up the system, not to play the same stupid fucking game that the two of you have been playing for years, in which the only people to lose are the average Americans.
Don't get me wrong; I hate the other team even more. The Justice department scandal makes me deeply ashamed of this administration. It disgusts me that they can deny that they politicized the Justice department in the same breath that they assert their right to do so, all while attempting to hide behind executive privilege. Too bad the people don't believe them.
I'm starting to believe that nothing short of a grassroots revolution or a meteor from space smashing into Capitol Hill is going to save us from the fucking power games of the Washington elite.
Fuck all of them.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
Personality Tests
It may just be my rampant vanity, but I like personality tests. A friend of mine sent me a link to find out which South Park character I'm the most like, and I got Kenny (See the bottom of the page). Whether that means I have a dirty mind, or I'm poor, or I'm just death-prone, I don't know, but I'm glad I didn't end up turning out to be the character he was - Wendy Testaburger. Talk about an emasculating experience.
Also, very excited about God of War II. If I'm to understand Penny Arcade correctly, it's all that and a bag of chips.
Also, very excited about God of War II. If I'm to understand Penny Arcade correctly, it's all that and a bag of chips.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
More Funny, Less Debate
Let's make this post a little less serious than the others of late. I know I have a certain comedy quota to fill. So just a few observations.
Alan Greenspan needs to shut his fucking mouth. Seriously. Everytime they put a mike in front of that guy's face, my stock portfolio tanks. I was doing great - and now some days I go look at it, and everything's down, and I wonder what he let slip now.
This is China's fault, too. Stupid overvalued market. They want to spread their Red Communist propoganda by coloring all the entries in my portfolio Red for starters.
I've adopted a new form of self-torture with an online puzzle game at www.weffriddles.com. This is one of those "find the next link" puzzles. The first few make you think outside the box. Then, they take away the damn box so you have no frame of reference. It's maddening.
What else? Beat Zelda: Twilight Princess. Not especially satisfied with the ending. Apparently, an ending in a Japanese story without either (a) some remarkably ambiguous ending or (b) something tragically sad is an example of Western decadence. I know Hollywood goes too far with tying up the loose ends and pairing off the uncoupled bachelors at the end of movies, but for Pete's sake, give me something to be happy about.
Alan Greenspan needs to shut his fucking mouth. Seriously. Everytime they put a mike in front of that guy's face, my stock portfolio tanks. I was doing great - and now some days I go look at it, and everything's down, and I wonder what he let slip now.
This is China's fault, too. Stupid overvalued market. They want to spread their Red Communist propoganda by coloring all the entries in my portfolio Red for starters.
I've adopted a new form of self-torture with an online puzzle game at www.weffriddles.com. This is one of those "find the next link" puzzles. The first few make you think outside the box. Then, they take away the damn box so you have no frame of reference. It's maddening.
What else? Beat Zelda: Twilight Princess. Not especially satisfied with the ending. Apparently, an ending in a Japanese story without either (a) some remarkably ambiguous ending or (b) something tragically sad is an example of Western decadence. I know Hollywood goes too far with tying up the loose ends and pairing off the uncoupled bachelors at the end of movies, but for Pete's sake, give me something to be happy about.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Why I'm excited about election 2008 (No matter who wins)
To some of you who've been reading my posts, I may come across as a liberal nut job - or, at the very least an extremist. This is perhaps because of the anger behind the language that I use; there is genuine anger there, but my politics are closer to center than I've been letting on - you're getting a lot of negativity from me because I am a former Republican whose disenchantment was thorough and complete.
There are some good candidates appearing in 2008 on both sides of the aisle, and I've found something I like about each of them:
Hillary Clinton seems to be the most controversial of the bunch. More than any other politician I know, there are many people who seem to hate her, even a large number of Democrats or left-leaning people. I think I know more people who hate her than hate Bush, and I think I know why. On the surface, at least, Hillary Clinton seems to be the most disingenuous candidate out there. Even before the scandalous remarks from David Geffen, everyone already new that the Clinton's were shifty. I think that's a large part of what made Bush popular to begin with - Bush, whether he was right or wrong, believed in and stood behind every decision he made. You don't get that sense with either Clinton.
So whether you say that they have no integrity and do what makes them popular, or you argue like me that catering to public opinion is something that you should do to a large extent, if you're running a democracy, you can't deny that they do work in this system. And that's why I would be happy if Hillary Clinton won - she would be an effective politician, and the values that she champions are ones that I believe in.
Barack Obama is on the other end of that spectrum. He is actively campaigning on the fact that he is a Washington outsider, that with him in office, it won't be politics as usual. He's going to go for pretty much the same agenda, but he wants to bridge the divide between the partisan ranks. A vote for Obama is more a vote against the politics of today. Now whether or not you think Obama is genuine or not, Washington will take notice if you elect an outsider into office. Look at how they reacted to the November elections - despite the fact that the margin of victory in all of the key places was tight, it's being heralded as a mandate to end the war. The polls disagree; it was a mandate to end corruption in Congress, and if the Democrats aren't careful and do stupid shit like demanding a bigger plane to fly on and take lavish trips on a lobbyist's dime when they just made that sort of crap illegal, they're going to get their asses booted out of there in the next round. Obama also has another advantage - he had the foresight to predict that the Iraq War was a bad idea, and the courage to say so openly, even when to do so carried the label of being unpatriotic, at least one of which Clinton did not have (I suspect it was the latter). I would be happy if Obama won because it would be a huge step in cleaning up politics.
While I don't really give him any chances of winning, John Edwards is running an interesting campaign on a poverty initiative. He'll openly admit that he's going to raise taxes to get you there, but I respect that. A lot of the biggest problems in this country stem from the fact that society is so greatly stratified - and the gap between rich and poor has widened greatly over the past 10 years. I would be happy if Edwards won because I think he would do a great job at it, but I'm not betting on it.
Across the aisle, the front runner is tough-as-nails Rudy Giuliani, the hero of 9/11. Giuliani is good because he's already demonstrated he's capable of strong leadership, in New York of all places. This really hit home for me when I saw a review of the movie Bringing Out the Dead as a startling look a pre-Giuliani New York. The fact that his name alone is used to describe a change to what was once viewed as America's cesspool is amazing. And Giuliani is very moderate for a Republican - something that's earned him a lot of flack within the party, but is good for the rest of America. I'm not even talking about the validity of his positions here - I'm talking about a return to a centrist mentality from full-blown partisan ship. When asked where exactly it is that he is conservative, his response is that it's all in how he views taxes. I'm paraphrasing here, because I don't want to go dig up the link, but the Republicans view the economy as a private enterprise that the govern regulates, whereas the Democrats view the economy as government run. I'd be happy if Giuliani ran because of his leadership skills, and his sensible positions on social issues.
Then there's John McCain. I've always been an admirer of him, in part because he can push his politics without being condescending or partisan. I think he's veered a little bit off the Straight Talk Express in his effort to court evangelical conservatives, but I think he'd govern with reason, so I forgive him for that. And I applaud him as the cosponsor of the McCain-Fiengold bill aimed at finance reform. But he's been slipping in the polls lately, for his unpopular stance on the Iraq War. Even while the President holds out on the hope that sticking through it will help, McCain has the guts to put forth the unpopular position that we need even more troops, that we really do need to escalate. I'd be happy if McCain won because I have the sneaking suspicion that he's right.
But wait, you say, haven't you advocated this whole time that the war was a colossal mistake? Yes, I did, and I stand behind that. We're there because a bunch of PNAC assholes got the idea that the best way to ensure the strength of the American position was to spread democracy as far and wide as the could - without help, and in the face of the global community. It's not the idea that I think was fucked up - it was the attitude that dismissed any objections from the rest of the world.
But we're there now. And whether we got in on false pretenses or whether or not it was important to oust Saddam then, it is important to stay there now. Bush is right when he says that it is the greatest ideological issue of the 21st century (It is now, you asshole). I think McCain sees that the costs of failure are more far reaching then people are realising. And I'd be happy to see him President because I think he's the one guy out of any of them who may actually stabilize the country.
There are some good candidates appearing in 2008 on both sides of the aisle, and I've found something I like about each of them:
Hillary Clinton seems to be the most controversial of the bunch. More than any other politician I know, there are many people who seem to hate her, even a large number of Democrats or left-leaning people. I think I know more people who hate her than hate Bush, and I think I know why. On the surface, at least, Hillary Clinton seems to be the most disingenuous candidate out there. Even before the scandalous remarks from David Geffen, everyone already new that the Clinton's were shifty. I think that's a large part of what made Bush popular to begin with - Bush, whether he was right or wrong, believed in and stood behind every decision he made. You don't get that sense with either Clinton.
So whether you say that they have no integrity and do what makes them popular, or you argue like me that catering to public opinion is something that you should do to a large extent, if you're running a democracy, you can't deny that they do work in this system. And that's why I would be happy if Hillary Clinton won - she would be an effective politician, and the values that she champions are ones that I believe in.
Barack Obama is on the other end of that spectrum. He is actively campaigning on the fact that he is a Washington outsider, that with him in office, it won't be politics as usual. He's going to go for pretty much the same agenda, but he wants to bridge the divide between the partisan ranks. A vote for Obama is more a vote against the politics of today. Now whether or not you think Obama is genuine or not, Washington will take notice if you elect an outsider into office. Look at how they reacted to the November elections - despite the fact that the margin of victory in all of the key places was tight, it's being heralded as a mandate to end the war. The polls disagree; it was a mandate to end corruption in Congress, and if the Democrats aren't careful and do stupid shit like demanding a bigger plane to fly on and take lavish trips on a lobbyist's dime when they just made that sort of crap illegal, they're going to get their asses booted out of there in the next round. Obama also has another advantage - he had the foresight to predict that the Iraq War was a bad idea, and the courage to say so openly, even when to do so carried the label of being unpatriotic, at least one of which Clinton did not have (I suspect it was the latter). I would be happy if Obama won because it would be a huge step in cleaning up politics.
While I don't really give him any chances of winning, John Edwards is running an interesting campaign on a poverty initiative. He'll openly admit that he's going to raise taxes to get you there, but I respect that. A lot of the biggest problems in this country stem from the fact that society is so greatly stratified - and the gap between rich and poor has widened greatly over the past 10 years. I would be happy if Edwards won because I think he would do a great job at it, but I'm not betting on it.
Across the aisle, the front runner is tough-as-nails Rudy Giuliani, the hero of 9/11. Giuliani is good because he's already demonstrated he's capable of strong leadership, in New York of all places. This really hit home for me when I saw a review of the movie Bringing Out the Dead as a startling look a pre-Giuliani New York. The fact that his name alone is used to describe a change to what was once viewed as America's cesspool is amazing. And Giuliani is very moderate for a Republican - something that's earned him a lot of flack within the party, but is good for the rest of America. I'm not even talking about the validity of his positions here - I'm talking about a return to a centrist mentality from full-blown partisan ship. When asked where exactly it is that he is conservative, his response is that it's all in how he views taxes. I'm paraphrasing here, because I don't want to go dig up the link, but the Republicans view the economy as a private enterprise that the govern regulates, whereas the Democrats view the economy as government run. I'd be happy if Giuliani ran because of his leadership skills, and his sensible positions on social issues.
Then there's John McCain. I've always been an admirer of him, in part because he can push his politics without being condescending or partisan. I think he's veered a little bit off the Straight Talk Express in his effort to court evangelical conservatives, but I think he'd govern with reason, so I forgive him for that. And I applaud him as the cosponsor of the McCain-Fiengold bill aimed at finance reform. But he's been slipping in the polls lately, for his unpopular stance on the Iraq War. Even while the President holds out on the hope that sticking through it will help, McCain has the guts to put forth the unpopular position that we need even more troops, that we really do need to escalate. I'd be happy if McCain won because I have the sneaking suspicion that he's right.
But wait, you say, haven't you advocated this whole time that the war was a colossal mistake? Yes, I did, and I stand behind that. We're there because a bunch of PNAC assholes got the idea that the best way to ensure the strength of the American position was to spread democracy as far and wide as the could - without help, and in the face of the global community. It's not the idea that I think was fucked up - it was the attitude that dismissed any objections from the rest of the world.
But we're there now. And whether we got in on false pretenses or whether or not it was important to oust Saddam then, it is important to stay there now. Bush is right when he says that it is the greatest ideological issue of the 21st century (It is now, you asshole). I think McCain sees that the costs of failure are more far reaching then people are realising. And I'd be happy to see him President because I think he's the one guy out of any of them who may actually stabilize the country.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Dick Cheney Planned 9/11!
No, not really. But I am tring to expand my reader base through sensationalist claims.
Hey.
How's it going?
You new here?
You might want to check out some of my other posts as long as I have your attention. I really do hate the administration, you know.
Hey.
How's it going?
You new here?
You might want to check out some of my other posts as long as I have your attention. I really do hate the administration, you know.
Monday, February 26, 2007
My Top Ten Favorite Rock Bands
1. Radiohead
While the appeal of their more experimental albums is debatable, I've loved just about everything that they've put out. It is said that Eskimos have over 100 different words for our word "snow". I think Radiohead manages to do the same thing with sorrow - every subtle variation seems to have its own separate song.
Favorite Album: The Bends
Favorite Song: Street Spirit (Fade Out)
2. Failure
Perhaps the least mainstream entry on this list, Failure is one of those bands that surfaced when alternative music was in full swing in the mid-Nineties. They possess a really unique sound - a combination of heavy guitars, creative feedback, and the unique vocal stylings of the lead singer, Ken Andrews. He has almost hollow quality to his voice that lends it an eerie echo.
Favorite Album: Fantastic Planet
Favorite Song: While I think new listeners will get a good feel for their musical style without delving into unfamiliar territory by listening to their cover of Enjoy the Silence, I first gravitated to Failure through their abrasive radio hit Pitiful
3. Tool
Dark, brooding, music. Everything about this band seems to be rich with hidden meaning. The lead singer's soft, understated voice contrasts sharply with heavy guitars while controversial lyrics hide deeper meanings, all without sacrificing satisfying musical composition. Often, I will find that I have listened to a track again and again, only to stop and pay closer attention to the lyrics and be shocked to hear what I had missed.
Favorite Album: Ænima
Favorite Song: Sober
4. Alice in Chains
It's a shame lead singer Layne Staley died of a heroin overdose, but if you were listening carefully to Alice in Chains' lyrics, you could see that coming. Alice in Chains had this interesting way of alternating between a full length hard core album and a shorter EP on the lighter side. Both stylings were absolutely great, though.
Favorite Album: While it's not a full length album, I'd have to say Jar of Flies. If I were to pick one of the full length albums, I'd go with Dirt
Favorite Song: Would?
5. Pearl Jam
I didn't really appreciate Pearl Jam as much as many of my friends during their heyday in the early years, but at some point I looked back on over 10 years of favorites, and realised they all came from the same band.
Favorite Album: Rearviewmirror: Greatest Hits 1991 - 2003. Like I said, it was a over a decade before I began to appreciate them. By that point, I could get all of my favorites.
Favorite Song: Corduroy
6. Ozzy Osbourne
After I got old enough to look past the false associations between Ozzy Osbourne and devil worship, Ozzy had already come and gone from the mainstream. Still, I was surprised to find how many of his songs I'd loved without knowing it. I know Sabbath came first, but I've liked the solo stuff better.
Favorite Album: The Essential Ozzy Osbourne. Another collection. I don't feel like I'm cheating.
Favorite Song: Mr. Crowley, although I remember trying to convince my Mom that there was a song about Perry Mason.
7. Modest Mouse
They've got this fresh indie feel to them that's kind of like a rock/folk mix that makes me smile. I have a feeling though, that any description I could come up with insult the hardcore fans of this band.
Favorite Album: Good News for People Who Love Bad News
Favorite Song: Although Float On was the hit that brought the band to my attention, I've come to really like Cowboy Dan for it's title character's views on life.
8. Foo Fighters
I took to Foo Fighters more easily than I did to Nirvana, which I find surprising. Perhaps it's the lighter tone, I don't know. There certainly seems to be more energy in their music, whether that's happy energy or angry energy.
Favorite Album: Foo Fighters (self-titled)
Favorite Song: Exhausted, the last track on the aforementioned album. Great use of feedback and static.
9. Rush
Familiar story by now. Great band comes to my attention decades after their prime. Unique vocals on the lead singer. Some great guitar riffs.
Favorite Album: Rush Chronicles. You wait long enough, they put all the hits on a two-disc set!
Favorite Song: Subdivisions
10. Filter
A long time ago, when alternative music was still big, this band used to be at the top of my list. I guess I'm not as angry as I used to be.
Favorite Album: Short Bus
Favorite Song: Hey Man, Nice Shot
While the appeal of their more experimental albums is debatable, I've loved just about everything that they've put out. It is said that Eskimos have over 100 different words for our word "snow". I think Radiohead manages to do the same thing with sorrow - every subtle variation seems to have its own separate song.
Favorite Album: The Bends
Favorite Song: Street Spirit (Fade Out)
2. Failure
Perhaps the least mainstream entry on this list, Failure is one of those bands that surfaced when alternative music was in full swing in the mid-Nineties. They possess a really unique sound - a combination of heavy guitars, creative feedback, and the unique vocal stylings of the lead singer, Ken Andrews. He has almost hollow quality to his voice that lends it an eerie echo.
Favorite Album: Fantastic Planet
Favorite Song: While I think new listeners will get a good feel for their musical style without delving into unfamiliar territory by listening to their cover of Enjoy the Silence, I first gravitated to Failure through their abrasive radio hit Pitiful
3. Tool
Dark, brooding, music. Everything about this band seems to be rich with hidden meaning. The lead singer's soft, understated voice contrasts sharply with heavy guitars while controversial lyrics hide deeper meanings, all without sacrificing satisfying musical composition. Often, I will find that I have listened to a track again and again, only to stop and pay closer attention to the lyrics and be shocked to hear what I had missed.
Favorite Album: Ænima
Favorite Song: Sober
4. Alice in Chains
It's a shame lead singer Layne Staley died of a heroin overdose, but if you were listening carefully to Alice in Chains' lyrics, you could see that coming. Alice in Chains had this interesting way of alternating between a full length hard core album and a shorter EP on the lighter side. Both stylings were absolutely great, though.
Favorite Album: While it's not a full length album, I'd have to say Jar of Flies. If I were to pick one of the full length albums, I'd go with Dirt
Favorite Song: Would?
5. Pearl Jam
I didn't really appreciate Pearl Jam as much as many of my friends during their heyday in the early years, but at some point I looked back on over 10 years of favorites, and realised they all came from the same band.
Favorite Album: Rearviewmirror: Greatest Hits 1991 - 2003. Like I said, it was a over a decade before I began to appreciate them. By that point, I could get all of my favorites.
Favorite Song: Corduroy
6. Ozzy Osbourne
After I got old enough to look past the false associations between Ozzy Osbourne and devil worship, Ozzy had already come and gone from the mainstream. Still, I was surprised to find how many of his songs I'd loved without knowing it. I know Sabbath came first, but I've liked the solo stuff better.
Favorite Album: The Essential Ozzy Osbourne. Another collection. I don't feel like I'm cheating.
Favorite Song: Mr. Crowley, although I remember trying to convince my Mom that there was a song about Perry Mason.
7. Modest Mouse
They've got this fresh indie feel to them that's kind of like a rock/folk mix that makes me smile. I have a feeling though, that any description I could come up with insult the hardcore fans of this band.
Favorite Album: Good News for People Who Love Bad News
Favorite Song: Although Float On was the hit that brought the band to my attention, I've come to really like Cowboy Dan for it's title character's views on life.
8. Foo Fighters
I took to Foo Fighters more easily than I did to Nirvana, which I find surprising. Perhaps it's the lighter tone, I don't know. There certainly seems to be more energy in their music, whether that's happy energy or angry energy.
Favorite Album: Foo Fighters (self-titled)
Favorite Song: Exhausted, the last track on the aforementioned album. Great use of feedback and static.
9. Rush
Familiar story by now. Great band comes to my attention decades after their prime. Unique vocals on the lead singer. Some great guitar riffs.
Favorite Album: Rush Chronicles. You wait long enough, they put all the hits on a two-disc set!
Favorite Song: Subdivisions
10. Filter
A long time ago, when alternative music was still big, this band used to be at the top of my list. I guess I'm not as angry as I used to be.
Favorite Album: Short Bus
Favorite Song: Hey Man, Nice Shot
Porn Sword?
Don't click on this link... yet:
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/22/porn.sword.ap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories
At work today, I received this link in an instant message from a coworker that will remain nameless. As is the case with every link I'm sent, I scan the URL real quick to determine what kind of link I'm going to, a whether or not this is something I should go check out at work.
Immediately, something jumps out at me. You probably see it too.
porn.sword
Now, I think to myself, what the hell could this be about? I look at the domain - it's CNN. It must be a real news, then. And it must be appropriate because CNN is not exactly known for it's inappropriate content.
So, I invite you to do the same. Ponder the ineffable mystery of the porn sword. What do you think this story is about? Open your mind and let it wander ... where does it lead you?
Take another minute...
OK. Click on the link.
Read.
Not quite what you expected, was it? Funny, of course, but likely way different from what you had in mind. What kind of story did you envision? Please feel free to comment.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/22/porn.sword.ap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories
At work today, I received this link in an instant message from a coworker that will remain nameless. As is the case with every link I'm sent, I scan the URL real quick to determine what kind of link I'm going to, a whether or not this is something I should go check out at work.
Immediately, something jumps out at me. You probably see it too.
porn.sword
Now, I think to myself, what the hell could this be about? I look at the domain - it's CNN. It must be a real news, then. And it must be appropriate because CNN is not exactly known for it's inappropriate content.
So, I invite you to do the same. Ponder the ineffable mystery of the porn sword. What do you think this story is about? Open your mind and let it wander ... where does it lead you?
Take another minute...
OK. Click on the link.
Read.
Not quite what you expected, was it? Funny, of course, but likely way different from what you had in mind. What kind of story did you envision? Please feel free to comment.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
My Dark Master
Since I have begun playing The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess for the Wii, I have come to accept a new master in my life.
Her name is Midna. I met her soon after I began playing the game. After a short introduction where I was introduced to my life as a ranch hand, I was ambushed by some sort of goblin, knocked unconscious, and sucked into a dark realm of some sort, where I turned into a wolf. Here is a video of our encounter:
She floats through the air, and speak in a sort of hollow gibberish that I can understand. She teases me mercilessly, she promises that she will help me escape my wolf form and rescue my friends if I will only accept that I am now her bitch.
Which I accept.
And then she proceeds to ride me like the jackass I am.
I do what she says, I go where she tells me. I listen to her make fun of me and tell me I should be smart enough to figure out this part by myself. Obediently, I obey her every whimsical beck and call while she yawns and stretches out on my back.
What a fascinating character! I have grown quite fond of Midna throughout the course of my adventures. The way you interact with her through the story is like being led by the nose by a very powerful, dark, spoiled, mischievous and playful little child.
I can never quite shake the feeling that her intentions don't have a sinister edge to them, but she does help me out quite a bit in return. When the way forward is not clear, she glides forward to show me places to jump where I can find sure footing. After a while, all the taunting and "You gotta do what I say" drops off a bit and it feels like a strange buddy flick - the stoic hero and the dark child partnered up to save the world.
I feel like I am following her lead but also that I am her guardian at the same time. She reacts with fascination at events that don't seem to phase me.
You may be thinking, the first person perspective is a little much for a blog post about a character in a video game, but if you know me well enough by now, you'll know that I take these things very seriously. I like to completely immerse myself in each gameplay experience, and little touches like this are what makes the difference between a fun game that I pick up and play and put away and a game that I remember years later like a favorite bedtime story.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Wiiblogging
This post is being written from within my wii, with my little wiimote.
Using beta version of Opera browser for Wii.
Blogger's default editor won't work here so I'm manually editing HTML.
Slow?
Yes.
Painful?
Yes.
Freakin' sweet anyway?
Hell, yeah.
Using beta version of Opera browser for Wii.
Blogger's default editor won't work here so I'm manually editing HTML.
Slow?
Yes.
Painful?
Yes.
Freakin' sweet anyway?
Hell, yeah.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Let this day be forever hallowed across the land...
... for this day, my Wii has come home.
Of late, my otherwise peaceful slumber has been disturbed by fevered dreams, to which I rise with a start, bathed in sweat and wild-eyed, gasping as I hear myself utter, only with a ghost of a breath:
"Wii."
Now, the time for jubilation has come! It is finally here! My very own.
My... precious.
Now, if only the big screen wasn't being repaired at the moment, I'd really have some fun.
Of late, my otherwise peaceful slumber has been disturbed by fevered dreams, to which I rise with a start, bathed in sweat and wild-eyed, gasping as I hear myself utter, only with a ghost of a breath:
"Wii."
Now, the time for jubilation has come! It is finally here! My very own.
My... precious.
Now, if only the big screen wasn't being repaired at the moment, I'd really have some fun.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Words fail me...
I don't think I've seen anything more beautiful in my entire life.
Words fail me.
Reno thinks it's retarded, but I cried a little. This kind of vision is what all men should aspire to.
Words fail me.
Reno thinks it's retarded, but I cried a little. This kind of vision is what all men should aspire to.
New domain!
Just a quick note. This blog is now hosted at http://www.rabbert.com. Anyone tired of remembering the old address can remember this simple domain. Hooray!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
My Top Ten Futurama Quotes
Every now and then, when I need a little pick me up, I remember some line from Futurama, and laugh. Here are my top ten favorites - I know I've forgotten some, but they didn't come to the top of my head:
1.
Mrs. Wong: Yeah. This time we get most decorated law man in the whole universe!
Kif: You mean-- Oh, no, please. I beg you! Oh, for the love of--
Zapp: I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan, at your service!
2.
Gypsy: Well, there is perhaps one way. Have you heard of the Monks of Deshuba?
Fry: I've not heard of them.
3.
*Fry is locked in a battle with Zoidberg on his home planet, in a giant arena. As he is about to claim victory, he stops and addresses the crowd*
Fry: My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid civilization or its dumb customs, but is squeezing each other's brains out with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything?
4.
Fry: Hey, wait! I'm having one of those things. You know, a headache with pictures?
Leela: An idea?
5.
In response to Zapp Brannigan's testimony before court:
DOOP Leader: Captain Leela, is this rambling tale of magic and heroism true?
Leela: Well...
Professor: That's it, if they fire him, we can keep him as captain
Leela: It's all true! My female incompetence! Zapp's cat-like reflexes! The stuff that made no sense! All of it!
6.
Fry: Leela! You shouldn't be listening. I don't want you to hear it till it's done.
Leela: But it's so beautiful.
Fry: So's a peacock but you don't eat it until it's cooked.
7.
[Fry turns the stereo on and Sir Mix-a-Lot's Baby Got Back plays. Leela turns it off.]
Leela: You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.
1.
Mrs. Wong: Yeah. This time we get most decorated law man in the whole universe!
Kif: You mean-- Oh, no, please. I beg you! Oh, for the love of--
Zapp: I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan, at your service!
2.
Gypsy: Well, there is perhaps one way. Have you heard of the Monks of Deshuba?
Fry: I've not heard of them.
3.
*Fry is locked in a battle with Zoidberg on his home planet, in a giant arena. As he is about to claim victory, he stops and addresses the crowd*
Fry: My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid civilization or its dumb customs, but is squeezing each other's brains out with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything?
4.
Fry: Hey, wait! I'm having one of those things. You know, a headache with pictures?
Leela: An idea?
5.
In response to Zapp Brannigan's testimony before court:
DOOP Leader: Captain Leela, is this rambling tale of magic and heroism true?
Leela: Well...
Professor: That's it, if they fire him, we can keep him as captain
Leela: It's all true! My female incompetence! Zapp's cat-like reflexes! The stuff that made no sense! All of it!
6.
Fry: Leela! You shouldn't be listening. I don't want you to hear it till it's done.
Leela: But it's so beautiful.
Fry: So's a peacock but you don't eat it until it's cooked.
7.
[Fry turns the stereo on and Sir Mix-a-Lot's Baby Got Back plays. Leela turns it off.]
Leela: You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.
8.
Ken: Oh, my. Anyway, your immunity is due to the fact that you lack the delta brainwave. It's a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time and performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather.
Fry: I did do the nasty in the past-y!
Nibbler: Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains. You are the last hope of the universe.
9.
Big Brain: Well, here we are. Trapped for eternity.
Brain #2: We could sing American Pie.
Fry: Go ahead. I deserve it.
10.
Zapp: Precisely. Now, in the name of all that is good and honourable, we'll call the Neutral President with a message of peace, then blast him.
Bender: Yes, sir, sirdy-sir-sir-sir!
Zapp: Fly the white flag of war.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Quiznos Vs. Subway
And the winner is Subway.
I used to make a regular habit of going to Subway at lunch alone. I'd bring a book with me, and order one of the 6-inch sub combos, and be content with that. I'd get one of the 6 grams of fat or less subs, some baked chips or sun chips, eat slowly, then read for the remainder of my lunch hour. I eventually got adjusted to the lighter portion, and came to enjoy my little ritual, until my life got derailed and I had to quit that.
Now, I'm trying to get back into that groove, and I decided to start again today. However, I recalled the Quizno's commercials, and their assault on Subway, and decided to give it a try. The commercials pointed out two things:
1) Quizno's subs are toasted.
Then Subway offered to toast there subs, and the commercials turned into:
2) Subway doesn't give you any meat. If you compare the two side by side, Quizno's meat overflows the sub. Subway does not
I felt a little guilty for "betraying" my local Subway guys by testing out the competition, but I believe that any opinion, be it culinary, political, or video game, is more worth having if you try to see what's good about the other side before blindly choosing one.
So, I went today and got a medium Italian sub, and came to the following conclusions:
1) Quizno's give you more meat.
Perhaps too much meat - they certainly don't have any spokespeople advocating the health benefits of eating Quizno's every day.
The problem is, you pay for all that extra meat. My combo cost me nearly $10. Subway has always offered to double your meat for a nominal charge for as long as I can remember ($1 for a 6" and $2 for a footlong), and the price works out the same. As far as I can see, Quizno's isn't making me a better offer; they're just not giving me an option for normal meat.
2) Subway's bread is magical.
The first thing I smell coming into Subway is that bread. Part of the reason I don't get my sub toasted very often is that the bread is just so tasty. It's got just the right amount of gluten for that texture that's soft, yet firm, without being spongy like everything I've ever tried to make subs with at home.
3) I like variety of vegetable toppings.
What they show in the Quizno's commercials is a Subway sub with lettuce on it. No wonder it looks pathetic. If you're going for a meat-only sub, then you don't go to Subway. You go to Subway for that delicious variety of fresh vegetables. I always get everything but mayo when I go - wonderful. Every bite has it's own combination of flavors - sometimes you get some pickles and tomatoes, sometimes it's olives and banana peppers, and every now and then a jalapeno. I always announce "everything but mayo" right away so the sandwich artist has the opportunity to put together the sub without overstuffing it, but it still barely closes by the time they're done.
4) The yellow theme really works
For some reason, the yellow colors of the benches and walls really soothe me. I think there's some science behind colors that explains it all. I know red is supposed to make you hungry, but I think yellow makes you happy.
OK, I'm done. I know I sound like a Subway spokesman - I'm not. I'm pissed that my local Subway stopped the Subway club, and raised the prices on the 3 subs after 5 promotion. Still, I think they're the best sandwich out there, and probably my favorite guilt-free meal anywhere.
I used to make a regular habit of going to Subway at lunch alone. I'd bring a book with me, and order one of the 6-inch sub combos, and be content with that. I'd get one of the 6 grams of fat or less subs, some baked chips or sun chips, eat slowly, then read for the remainder of my lunch hour. I eventually got adjusted to the lighter portion, and came to enjoy my little ritual, until my life got derailed and I had to quit that.
Now, I'm trying to get back into that groove, and I decided to start again today. However, I recalled the Quizno's commercials, and their assault on Subway, and decided to give it a try. The commercials pointed out two things:
1) Quizno's subs are toasted.
Then Subway offered to toast there subs, and the commercials turned into:
2) Subway doesn't give you any meat. If you compare the two side by side, Quizno's meat overflows the sub. Subway does not
I felt a little guilty for "betraying" my local Subway guys by testing out the competition, but I believe that any opinion, be it culinary, political, or video game, is more worth having if you try to see what's good about the other side before blindly choosing one.
So, I went today and got a medium Italian sub, and came to the following conclusions:
1) Quizno's give you more meat.
Perhaps too much meat - they certainly don't have any spokespeople advocating the health benefits of eating Quizno's every day.
The problem is, you pay for all that extra meat. My combo cost me nearly $10. Subway has always offered to double your meat for a nominal charge for as long as I can remember ($1 for a 6" and $2 for a footlong), and the price works out the same. As far as I can see, Quizno's isn't making me a better offer; they're just not giving me an option for normal meat.
2) Subway's bread is magical.
The first thing I smell coming into Subway is that bread. Part of the reason I don't get my sub toasted very often is that the bread is just so tasty. It's got just the right amount of gluten for that texture that's soft, yet firm, without being spongy like everything I've ever tried to make subs with at home.
3) I like variety of vegetable toppings.
What they show in the Quizno's commercials is a Subway sub with lettuce on it. No wonder it looks pathetic. If you're going for a meat-only sub, then you don't go to Subway. You go to Subway for that delicious variety of fresh vegetables. I always get everything but mayo when I go - wonderful. Every bite has it's own combination of flavors - sometimes you get some pickles and tomatoes, sometimes it's olives and banana peppers, and every now and then a jalapeno. I always announce "everything but mayo" right away so the sandwich artist has the opportunity to put together the sub without overstuffing it, but it still barely closes by the time they're done.
4) The yellow theme really works
For some reason, the yellow colors of the benches and walls really soothe me. I think there's some science behind colors that explains it all. I know red is supposed to make you hungry, but I think yellow makes you happy.
OK, I'm done. I know I sound like a Subway spokesman - I'm not. I'm pissed that my local Subway stopped the Subway club, and raised the prices on the 3 subs after 5 promotion. Still, I think they're the best sandwich out there, and probably my favorite guilt-free meal anywhere.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Why I deserve a Nintendo Wii
A couple of weeks ago, my sister emailed me to inform me of a radio contest in her area. They were taking submissions from listeners about why they deserve a Nintendo Wii, and awarding two winners a day for a week.
I didn't win (by the time I got to writing my entry, it was already Thursday night), but here it is:
Unlike many others, whose motivation for a Nintendo Wii stems merely from a selfish desire for a technological plaything, my need for a Wii stems from a deeply personal tale of tragedy, heroism, and a promise I made that I will never forget.
I was carrying out my annual tradition of volunteering to provide presents in the guise of Santa Claus to Saint Mary Agnes' Oprhanage for the Lonesome and Forgotten, when I met the most extraordinary youg man. Little Timmy had been placed in the orphanage at the tender age of 5, when he had been maimed in the car accident that killed his parents.
Tragically, they had been involved in a head-on collision with his only remaining grandparents as they were both driving home to celebrate Christmas, when they hit a patch of ice an the road. Ironically, the family forture had been transferred to bearer bonds the day of the accident, and burned along with the wreckage, leaving Little Timmy not only missing an arm and a leg, but destitute as well.
As Little Timmy, now 7, came and sat on my lap, I could not help but tear up at the sight of him. Little Timmy had not had the medical coverage to provide him with a prosthetic arm and leg, and had to bear an iron hook in place of his hand and a wooden peg leg. Still, I soldiered on, and asked Little Timmy what he wanted. "Santa," he asked, "will you bring my family back to me?". My voice cracked as I told him "I'm afraid I can't do that right now, they're with God now, so they can watch over you from heaven".
"I understand, Santa", Little Timmy said, and I marvelled at his strength. "Do you think I could get a Nintendo Wii instead? Everyone says they're so much fun, and Mommy and Daddy can watch me play from heaven." The orphanage only had a small 6 inch, black and white screen TV, but Little Timmy's eyes shone bright with the promise of things to come. "Santa will see what he can do," I replied, adding with a confidential wink "you know, Santa wouldn't mind having one of those himself."
We both chuckled to ourselves over our little joke, when we were interrupted by the sound of breaking glass. Four figures rushed inside the room. The orphanage had been invaded by an Al-Qaeda sleeper cell. Apparently, they had devised their most heinous plan yet, to hold those most unfortunate Americans - our orphans - as hostages while they negotiated the release of convicted terrorists in Guantanamo Bay.
Setting Little Timmy down, I told him, "Let Santa handle this menace." Swinging my sack of toys around my head, I hurled it at the nearest terrorist knocking him out cold. I heard the sickening crunch of shattered toys as I took out the second with a roundhouse to the face, bitterly musing that there would be no toys this year. The remaining terrorists aimed their guns at me and opened fire, but I arched backward out the line of fire, like in the Matrix, and in one swift move, slung the heavy belt buckle that was part of my Santa outfit in a wide arc, knocking out the remaining two terrorists. Then, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, and noticed one more hitherto unnoticed terrorist leap from the window into the street. I burst out of the window to chase him down, only to stop dead in my tacks, mouth agape.
It was none other than Osama bin Laden himself. He smiled evilly as he levelled a pistol straight at my heart. "Farewell, you decadent American swine", he leered. I winced, and shut my eyes, as I heard the shot fire. But I didn't feel anything. Slowly, I opened my eyes. Little Timmy staggered before me and fell to the ground in a crumpled heap. The sound of sirens rang out, and Osama dropped his gun and fled. I knelt down to pick up the fallen angel who had rescued me.
He was looking bad. He wasn't going to make it. Black blood seeped out of a wound in his stomach. Tears began to fall from my eyes. It began to rain softly.
"Santa," Timmy began, as he gripped my fingers tightly, "is that God crying?" "Yes," I replied, "God is crying, along with your parents. They're happy that you're coming home." "I never did get to see the Wii," he sighed regretfully. "Santa," ... His voice was fading ... "will you play it for me? I want to watch you play from heaven." "It's a promise," I replied. Little Timmy smiled at me warmly. His eyes closed. I felt his little hand squeeze my fingers once more, and then they went limp.
He was gone.
The rain began to pour.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", I cried. "WHY, GOD, WHY?!?!! TAKE ME INSTEAD!!!!!"
But sadly, my prayers fell on deaf ears.
To this day, I have tried to fulfill my promise to Timmy as he died in my arms. The success of the Wii has made it impossible for me to find one, and until then, Timmy's soul will never rest. At the last store I tried, they said they had sold their entire remaining stock to fulfill a radio promotion.
Please, send me a Nintendo Wii. Do it so Little Timmy, who died bravely fighting the War on Terror, can finally rest.
I didn't win (by the time I got to writing my entry, it was already Thursday night), but here it is:
Unlike many others, whose motivation for a Nintendo Wii stems merely from a selfish desire for a technological plaything, my need for a Wii stems from a deeply personal tale of tragedy, heroism, and a promise I made that I will never forget.
I was carrying out my annual tradition of volunteering to provide presents in the guise of Santa Claus to Saint Mary Agnes' Oprhanage for the Lonesome and Forgotten, when I met the most extraordinary youg man. Little Timmy had been placed in the orphanage at the tender age of 5, when he had been maimed in the car accident that killed his parents.
Tragically, they had been involved in a head-on collision with his only remaining grandparents as they were both driving home to celebrate Christmas, when they hit a patch of ice an the road. Ironically, the family forture had been transferred to bearer bonds the day of the accident, and burned along with the wreckage, leaving Little Timmy not only missing an arm and a leg, but destitute as well.
As Little Timmy, now 7, came and sat on my lap, I could not help but tear up at the sight of him. Little Timmy had not had the medical coverage to provide him with a prosthetic arm and leg, and had to bear an iron hook in place of his hand and a wooden peg leg. Still, I soldiered on, and asked Little Timmy what he wanted. "Santa," he asked, "will you bring my family back to me?". My voice cracked as I told him "I'm afraid I can't do that right now, they're with God now, so they can watch over you from heaven".
"I understand, Santa", Little Timmy said, and I marvelled at his strength. "Do you think I could get a Nintendo Wii instead? Everyone says they're so much fun, and Mommy and Daddy can watch me play from heaven." The orphanage only had a small 6 inch, black and white screen TV, but Little Timmy's eyes shone bright with the promise of things to come. "Santa will see what he can do," I replied, adding with a confidential wink "you know, Santa wouldn't mind having one of those himself."
We both chuckled to ourselves over our little joke, when we were interrupted by the sound of breaking glass. Four figures rushed inside the room. The orphanage had been invaded by an Al-Qaeda sleeper cell. Apparently, they had devised their most heinous plan yet, to hold those most unfortunate Americans - our orphans - as hostages while they negotiated the release of convicted terrorists in Guantanamo Bay.
Setting Little Timmy down, I told him, "Let Santa handle this menace." Swinging my sack of toys around my head, I hurled it at the nearest terrorist knocking him out cold. I heard the sickening crunch of shattered toys as I took out the second with a roundhouse to the face, bitterly musing that there would be no toys this year. The remaining terrorists aimed their guns at me and opened fire, but I arched backward out the line of fire, like in the Matrix, and in one swift move, slung the heavy belt buckle that was part of my Santa outfit in a wide arc, knocking out the remaining two terrorists. Then, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, and noticed one more hitherto unnoticed terrorist leap from the window into the street. I burst out of the window to chase him down, only to stop dead in my tacks, mouth agape.
It was none other than Osama bin Laden himself. He smiled evilly as he levelled a pistol straight at my heart. "Farewell, you decadent American swine", he leered. I winced, and shut my eyes, as I heard the shot fire. But I didn't feel anything. Slowly, I opened my eyes. Little Timmy staggered before me and fell to the ground in a crumpled heap. The sound of sirens rang out, and Osama dropped his gun and fled. I knelt down to pick up the fallen angel who had rescued me.
He was looking bad. He wasn't going to make it. Black blood seeped out of a wound in his stomach. Tears began to fall from my eyes. It began to rain softly.
"Santa," Timmy began, as he gripped my fingers tightly, "is that God crying?" "Yes," I replied, "God is crying, along with your parents. They're happy that you're coming home." "I never did get to see the Wii," he sighed regretfully. "Santa," ... His voice was fading ... "will you play it for me? I want to watch you play from heaven." "It's a promise," I replied. Little Timmy smiled at me warmly. His eyes closed. I felt his little hand squeeze my fingers once more, and then they went limp.
He was gone.
The rain began to pour.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", I cried. "WHY, GOD, WHY?!?!! TAKE ME INSTEAD!!!!!"
But sadly, my prayers fell on deaf ears.
To this day, I have tried to fulfill my promise to Timmy as he died in my arms. The success of the Wii has made it impossible for me to find one, and until then, Timmy's soul will never rest. At the last store I tried, they said they had sold their entire remaining stock to fulfill a radio promotion.
Please, send me a Nintendo Wii. Do it so Little Timmy, who died bravely fighting the War on Terror, can finally rest.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
For Mom
I've been on quite a long sabbatical. I know I need to get back to writing, or at least some form of creative outlet, but I promised myself that I'd address this before I continued on.
I don't know if I really want anyone to read this.
I've recently lost my mother to cancer. It's been both a very long and a very short ordeal. It seemed like it was a long ordeal when it was happening, but now that I really put it into perspective, it really hasn't been that long at all. About 2 1/2 years ago, my mother went to get a pain in her stomach checked out and it turned out to that she had cancer in her pancreas. It was a stage 2 tumor, which meant that it was a significant growth but it had not spread. She was given some statistics. I don't remember fully well, but I think they said that gave her a 30% survival rate over a 5 year term.
I was upset to find this out, but it was still very early then; still too far in the future to give up hope. And when they called her in for regular chemo and radiation treatments, I assisted in taking her home in the afternoon. My boss was very generous about it; I took off for an hour or two in the afternoon, picked my omther up from the hospital, and drove her home, and worked a little later in the evening.
An it wasn't bad. They didn't give her the kind of dose of radiation that would have made her lose her hair, and for my part, I tried to keep her in good spirits by antagonizing her. I know that sounds really awful, but it was the kind of well-meaning challenging that kept her talking, kept her debating, and kept her mind off of the purpose of what we were there to do. My mother was a very intelligent woman, and strong-willed - all you needed to do was to present the challenege and she would rise to it. I challeneged her politics, we discussed books (mostly the Dan Brown series), and all in all, I'd say that things were actually kind of nice. I got a nice break from work, and on the longer trips, I'd read in the lobby while I waited.
Spurred by the change in circumstances, and through some intervention of my mother, I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years (the story of the ring is for another time). Strangely enough, we set our wedding date on the one year anniversary of her surgery, April 8. Even more strange is that we missed out on our opportunity to book the 8th, and had to push it up to the 1st of April (if I ever forget my anniversary I can always claim April Fools), when on the same day, my mother's surgery was pushed up to the 1st of April.
The surgery seemed to be an astounding success, and to this day I regret that I sent out an email to just about everyone I knew, apologizing for my distant behavior in the previous months, and explaining the whole ordeal. At the time, I was convinced that the surgery had been 100% successful, that they had gotten all the cancer, and that everything was OK from here.
The only apparent side-effect was that in removing a part of her pancreas and some other organs in the vicinity, my mother had become newly diabetic, and she was not adjusting to it well at all. She had not been given the full course in the nature of insulin, and when to take it, and my mother would take it at the wrong times, such as when she had not eaten and her blood sugar was low. Then, it would really drop, and she'd pass out and break a bone and hurt herself.
Throughout the year, the insulin incidents occurerd fairly frequently. I confess that by the time my wedding rolled around, I resented my mother somewhat. She was so insistent upon taking her insulin that nothing could convince her that she didn't need to be doing it when she hadn't eaten. She wasn't eating very much - she had dropped a lot of weight all throughout the cancer treatments, and she continued to lose weight afterward. Her stomach gave her pain when she ate, so she often skipped eating. At our wedding, which we held outdoors at Duke Gardens, my mother quickly left thhe outdoor area where we were taking pictures and retreated to the receiption hall, and would not come to join us for the pictures when they were being taken. Even at the reception, she left early because she wasn't feeling well. At the time, I greatly resented her for this, and felt that she was trying to overshadow my wedding day by playing the sick card. I know it sounds horrible now, but she was true-blue Catholic; she knew how to take sympathy and milk it for all it was worth, and she could wield guilt like a sword.
Sometime after the honeymoon, I got word of some bad news. She had gone in for a check-up, and they detected that she still had cancer in her system. What I did not know at the time (and neither did she, or most of my family, except the ones that were reading between the lines), was that she had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer - where it has spread to other organs, and the time frame they give you from that point is about 6 months.
So for about 6 months, she was and I was under the delusion that she was going to get more chemo treatment to go after the remaining cancer, but the big problem was the diabetes-induced dizzy spells and falls that had weakened her system to the point that she need to get strong before she could get more treatment. And I continued to get upset with he over every hospital trip, because I was convinced that if only she would stop taking that damn insulin when she didn't eat, she would be fine. I thought that subconciously, she was doing it to herself to get some attention from the family, and that one of these daysit was going to bite her in the ass and she was going to put herself into a coma or die on a sugar low.
It never even occurred to me that she was really dying from the cancer.
One day, shortly after I had returned from a business trip abroad in London, my father called me in the middle of the night. My mother had fallen in the middle of the night on her way to the bathroom, and broken her hip. I took note of it at the time, but it bothered me more than it worried me. There had been so many falls and breaks that it just seemed like just another, and that I would go see her for a few days and then she would come home again.
The next day, when he announced that he was calling in the family, and came by my office to pick me up, it started to sink in that this was serious. Over the next few days, I came to understand a few things. The cancer was back in full effect, and the 6 month time frame had already passed - my mother was living on borrowed time. Furthermore, she wasn't coming home again - she was too weak to take care of herself, and she might not survive another fall.
Within a week, I quickly came to terms with the fact my mother was dying, life was never going to be the same for her again, and all this time I had been wrong about what was happening. The cancer was killing her, and not her own stubborness.
She wound up staying in a nursing home - a very nice one, but a nursing home still - she never wanted to end up in one. I came often, but I did not see her every day. It's a terrible shame that you can never know in advance how you'll feel when you look back on an opportunity wasted. At the time, it was very hard to deal with. When you're expecting that someone's going to die any day now, and you're already braced for it, it can wear you out when days turn to weeks.
When Halloween came and went, my mother was still in Duke Hospital, getting ready to be discharged to the nursing home. When the November elections came, and my party retook the House and the Senate, my mother was in the nursing home, and we watched TV together. Not the news, of course - it didn't seem to interest her too much (she had backed the wrong team), but a documentary on Jack the Ripper, or some of the Nero Wolfe episodes I bought on DVD, or half of the movie "28 grams" (another regret, we got about halfway through it when I had to go - she wanted to pick it up another time, but from the beginning again, and we never did). Thanksgiving was the last holiday we spent together, and it turned out to be the last day she was really there with us and (mostly) alert. We brought it in to the nursing home, and we had booked a private room, and it was a nice spread. She ate a little, but she had to retire early.
From there, things quickly took a turn for the worse. She died about a week and a half later, but the final days were really rough. It hurts to think about the details, and I don't want to share them, but I was both disgusted and ashamed and horrified that I was so callous. It is debatable whether or not she died well. What she must have gone through, and what her mental state must have been with all the morphine, is something I've come to dread. My sister has a more upbeat note on it - she noted that we were all (her husband, children, and grandchildren) there with her that day.
I lost whatever shreds of faith I had left throughout the whole ordeal. The pain is still very fresh, and it's like looking at the sun - it's too painful to deal with directly, to think about and to focus on. Every time I dwell on it too long it hurts, and I have to turn my thoughts elsewhere.
I'm glad, at least for the times I did have, although when I think of them, it's even worse than the rough times at the end. When I think about the bad times, I'm glad she's finally free of the pain, but when I think about the good times - that's when I miss her and the pain that she's not coming back really hurts.
I don't know if I really want anyone to read this.
I've recently lost my mother to cancer. It's been both a very long and a very short ordeal. It seemed like it was a long ordeal when it was happening, but now that I really put it into perspective, it really hasn't been that long at all. About 2 1/2 years ago, my mother went to get a pain in her stomach checked out and it turned out to that she had cancer in her pancreas. It was a stage 2 tumor, which meant that it was a significant growth but it had not spread. She was given some statistics. I don't remember fully well, but I think they said that gave her a 30% survival rate over a 5 year term.
I was upset to find this out, but it was still very early then; still too far in the future to give up hope. And when they called her in for regular chemo and radiation treatments, I assisted in taking her home in the afternoon. My boss was very generous about it; I took off for an hour or two in the afternoon, picked my omther up from the hospital, and drove her home, and worked a little later in the evening.
An it wasn't bad. They didn't give her the kind of dose of radiation that would have made her lose her hair, and for my part, I tried to keep her in good spirits by antagonizing her. I know that sounds really awful, but it was the kind of well-meaning challenging that kept her talking, kept her debating, and kept her mind off of the purpose of what we were there to do. My mother was a very intelligent woman, and strong-willed - all you needed to do was to present the challenege and she would rise to it. I challeneged her politics, we discussed books (mostly the Dan Brown series), and all in all, I'd say that things were actually kind of nice. I got a nice break from work, and on the longer trips, I'd read in the lobby while I waited.
Spurred by the change in circumstances, and through some intervention of my mother, I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years (the story of the ring is for another time). Strangely enough, we set our wedding date on the one year anniversary of her surgery, April 8. Even more strange is that we missed out on our opportunity to book the 8th, and had to push it up to the 1st of April (if I ever forget my anniversary I can always claim April Fools), when on the same day, my mother's surgery was pushed up to the 1st of April.
The surgery seemed to be an astounding success, and to this day I regret that I sent out an email to just about everyone I knew, apologizing for my distant behavior in the previous months, and explaining the whole ordeal. At the time, I was convinced that the surgery had been 100% successful, that they had gotten all the cancer, and that everything was OK from here.
The only apparent side-effect was that in removing a part of her pancreas and some other organs in the vicinity, my mother had become newly diabetic, and she was not adjusting to it well at all. She had not been given the full course in the nature of insulin, and when to take it, and my mother would take it at the wrong times, such as when she had not eaten and her blood sugar was low. Then, it would really drop, and she'd pass out and break a bone and hurt herself.
Throughout the year, the insulin incidents occurerd fairly frequently. I confess that by the time my wedding rolled around, I resented my mother somewhat. She was so insistent upon taking her insulin that nothing could convince her that she didn't need to be doing it when she hadn't eaten. She wasn't eating very much - she had dropped a lot of weight all throughout the cancer treatments, and she continued to lose weight afterward. Her stomach gave her pain when she ate, so she often skipped eating. At our wedding, which we held outdoors at Duke Gardens, my mother quickly left thhe outdoor area where we were taking pictures and retreated to the receiption hall, and would not come to join us for the pictures when they were being taken. Even at the reception, she left early because she wasn't feeling well. At the time, I greatly resented her for this, and felt that she was trying to overshadow my wedding day by playing the sick card. I know it sounds horrible now, but she was true-blue Catholic; she knew how to take sympathy and milk it for all it was worth, and she could wield guilt like a sword.
Sometime after the honeymoon, I got word of some bad news. She had gone in for a check-up, and they detected that she still had cancer in her system. What I did not know at the time (and neither did she, or most of my family, except the ones that were reading between the lines), was that she had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer - where it has spread to other organs, and the time frame they give you from that point is about 6 months.
So for about 6 months, she was and I was under the delusion that she was going to get more chemo treatment to go after the remaining cancer, but the big problem was the diabetes-induced dizzy spells and falls that had weakened her system to the point that she need to get strong before she could get more treatment. And I continued to get upset with he over every hospital trip, because I was convinced that if only she would stop taking that damn insulin when she didn't eat, she would be fine. I thought that subconciously, she was doing it to herself to get some attention from the family, and that one of these daysit was going to bite her in the ass and she was going to put herself into a coma or die on a sugar low.
It never even occurred to me that she was really dying from the cancer.
One day, shortly after I had returned from a business trip abroad in London, my father called me in the middle of the night. My mother had fallen in the middle of the night on her way to the bathroom, and broken her hip. I took note of it at the time, but it bothered me more than it worried me. There had been so many falls and breaks that it just seemed like just another, and that I would go see her for a few days and then she would come home again.
The next day, when he announced that he was calling in the family, and came by my office to pick me up, it started to sink in that this was serious. Over the next few days, I came to understand a few things. The cancer was back in full effect, and the 6 month time frame had already passed - my mother was living on borrowed time. Furthermore, she wasn't coming home again - she was too weak to take care of herself, and she might not survive another fall.
Within a week, I quickly came to terms with the fact my mother was dying, life was never going to be the same for her again, and all this time I had been wrong about what was happening. The cancer was killing her, and not her own stubborness.
She wound up staying in a nursing home - a very nice one, but a nursing home still - she never wanted to end up in one. I came often, but I did not see her every day. It's a terrible shame that you can never know in advance how you'll feel when you look back on an opportunity wasted. At the time, it was very hard to deal with. When you're expecting that someone's going to die any day now, and you're already braced for it, it can wear you out when days turn to weeks.
When Halloween came and went, my mother was still in Duke Hospital, getting ready to be discharged to the nursing home. When the November elections came, and my party retook the House and the Senate, my mother was in the nursing home, and we watched TV together. Not the news, of course - it didn't seem to interest her too much (she had backed the wrong team), but a documentary on Jack the Ripper, or some of the Nero Wolfe episodes I bought on DVD, or half of the movie "28 grams" (another regret, we got about halfway through it when I had to go - she wanted to pick it up another time, but from the beginning again, and we never did). Thanksgiving was the last holiday we spent together, and it turned out to be the last day she was really there with us and (mostly) alert. We brought it in to the nursing home, and we had booked a private room, and it was a nice spread. She ate a little, but she had to retire early.
From there, things quickly took a turn for the worse. She died about a week and a half later, but the final days were really rough. It hurts to think about the details, and I don't want to share them, but I was both disgusted and ashamed and horrified that I was so callous. It is debatable whether or not she died well. What she must have gone through, and what her mental state must have been with all the morphine, is something I've come to dread. My sister has a more upbeat note on it - she noted that we were all (her husband, children, and grandchildren) there with her that day.
I lost whatever shreds of faith I had left throughout the whole ordeal. The pain is still very fresh, and it's like looking at the sun - it's too painful to deal with directly, to think about and to focus on. Every time I dwell on it too long it hurts, and I have to turn my thoughts elsewhere.
I'm glad, at least for the times I did have, although when I think of them, it's even worse than the rough times at the end. When I think about the bad times, I'm glad she's finally free of the pain, but when I think about the good times - that's when I miss her and the pain that she's not coming back really hurts.
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